SIRC Guide to Flirting
What social science can tell you about flirting and how to do it
Kate Fox
Social Issues Research Centre
Why do we flirt?
Flirting is much more than just a bit of fun: it is a universal and essential aspect of human interaction.
Anthropological research shows that flirting is to be found, in some form, in all cultures
and societies around the world.
Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising: if we did not initiate
contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduction,
and the human species would become extinct.
According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilisation
as we know it. They argue that the large human brain – our superior intelligence, complex language,
everything that distinguishes us from animals – is the equivalent of the peacock’s tail: a
courtship device evolved to attract and retain sexual partners. Our achievements in everything
from art to rocket science may be merely a side-effect of the essential ability to charm.
If flirting is instinctive, why do we need this Guide?
Like every other human activity, flirting is governed by a complex set of unwritten laws of etiquette.
These rules dictate where, when, with whom and in what manner we flirt. We generally
obey these unofficial laws instinctively, without being conscious of doing so.
We only become aware of the rules when someone commits a breach of this etiquette – by flirting
with the wrong person, perhaps, or at an inappropriate time or place. Chatting up a widow at
her husband’s funeral, for example, would at the very least incur disapproval, if not serious
distress or anger.
This is a very obvious example, but the more complex and subtle aspects of flirting etiquette can
be confusing – and most of us have made a few embarrassing mistakes. Research shows that men
find it particularly difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women’s body-language, and tend
to mistake friendliness for sexual interest.
Another problem is that in some rather Puritanical cultures, such as Britain and North America,
flirting has acquired a bad name. Some of us have become so worried about causing offence or
sending the wrong signals that we are in danger of losing our natural talent for playful, harmless
flirtation.
So, to save the human race from extinction, and preserve the foundations of civilisation, Martini
commissioned Kate Fox at the Social Issues Research Centre to review and analyse all the scientific
research material on interaction between the sexes, and produce a definitive guide to the art
and etiquette of enjoyable flirting.
