My Public Diary

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I should be happy. He's happy. Its been so long since he's been happy. Since I've seen him genuinely smile. There he is, smiling. The only thing that seems to hurt is the fact that that smile, those lips....they're pressed against hers. His hand around her waist and her hands around his neck...entangled in his hair...just how he likes it...Shes pretty and skinny and confident. Everything im not. I remember him trying to reassure me. "I like shy girls" he said. But then he started to realize i wasnt just shy, i hated myself. The thought of myself made me sick and the thought of someone else seeing me is even worse.I would look in the mirror while he wasn't around. Id make a mental list of things i hated. And then i realized it was everything. There wasnt an inch of me that i loved. Or even liked, for that matter. People say you cant love someone else unless you love yourself. He made me realize that wasnt true. The briefest of moments came when I would look at him and was so in love with him that I forgot to hate myself. I forgot about the stretch marks and the messy hair and my nose that always seemed too small but too big at the same time. I forgot about my nonexistent thigh gap and the butt that i didn't have. I forgot about all of it and there was only him. But i soon found something out and created a new saying of my own. If you do not love yourself eventually people will get tired of trying to convince you to do otherwise. That exactly what he did. He got tired of finding me crying in the bathroom and trying to convince me to eat that he gave up. I dont blame him. Given the chance, I would too.