Breathe

2: You're so naïve.

My first week as a patient was uneventful. I was weighed everyday, and I was brought food by the same nurse. She tried to encourage me to eat as much as I could, and as subtle as she was trying to be, I saw right through her trap.
"No thanks, I'm not that hungry." Is what I'd say to her. Then she'd smile tightly and tell me not to worry. I wasn't trying to lose weight anymore, so I didn't see the problem. It was just annoying my being here. On the third day, Izzie came in and told me about Denny.
"He flirted with me today. He told me my hair was pretty." She gushed, and I smiled at her. "Is that allowed? Doctors and patients having relationships?" She asked, curious. Izzie looked at the floor, her face falling.
"No. It's forbidden. But we're not together or anything. It'll be fine, he's getting a new heart soon and then he'll leave and then we can be together. I'm just an intern, they won't notice. It doesn't matter." She smiled, walking out the door.

I didn't see Mark until the fifth day, when I was going to see Denny. I sneaked into the general hospital wing (by this time my strength was up again) and I went in to see him. When I was in the elevator, a man came in. I recognised his hair. And I was in home clothes.
"Lexie?! What are you doing here?" He asked, his eyebrows knitting together. I shrugged and said I was visiting a friend.
"I'll take you there. Who are you seeing?" He smiled, curiosity covering his face.
"Um, an old friend of mine. Denny Duquette. He's due for a heart transplant soon." I smiled, scuffing my shoes against the floor. I was allowed my home clothes since I wasn't having operations soon and I was more comfortable that way.

"When were you discharged? I thought they said 2 weeks?" He smirked, grabbing his charts. I shrugged. On the way, we bumped into Meredith. She gave me a look and walked off. I rolled my eyes and looked at Mark. "You're probably thinking she hates you." He started, and I shook my head at him, not wanting to hear it. He shrugged and we reached Denny's room. He smiled and waved at me, so I waved back, and then I entered.
"Hey Denny." I smiled, hugging him so the woman wouldn't get suspicious. He frowned at me but accepted the hug.
"Hi, um," he stuttered, and I mouthed 'Lexie' at him. "Lexie! How are you?" He frowned, staring at me.
"I'm good thanks. Recovering from my blackout last week, but I'm not here for me. I'm here for you! How's your heart?" I asked, feeling a little stupid for that question. There is such thing as a stupid question, your teachers are lying when they say that.

When the woman left he asked who I was.
"I'm sorry to spring that on you, the woman was there. I'm Lexie Grey, a friend of Izzie's. I'm also a patient, but I just wanted to meet you. She speaks so highly of you. I just wanted to meet you. That's all. I'll leave if you want me to." I admitted, sheepishly. He chuckled and shook his head.
"Don't you worry Lexie. If you're Izzie's friend, that's good enough. What's she said about me?" He smiled, and I didn't go into too much detail but I said some positive things. He smiled and took my hand. He thanked me. We became good friends after that and I saw him everyday from then on.

At the end of the week, I was weighed. I had gained 290 grams. I sighed. It wasn't enough. "This is very worrying, Alexandra." Said the man with dark skin. Dr. Webber, I think, was his name. "You need help. You're staying here for a month. You'll meet other anorexia sufferers and you'll attend a support group once a week as well as counselling. You'll be weighed again at the end and then you'll be allowed to leave if you reach 50 kilos."
"And if I don't?" I asked, stubbornly.
"You'll deteriorate. And you'll either die in your sleep or you'll have a cardiac arrest and die." He deadpanned, staring at me. My eyes welled up and I balled my fists. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks and I bumped into Meredith. Just great.

"Lexie are you okay?" She asked, but I shook my head and walked off. I saw Dr. Shepherd, and he smiled at me. I smiled back. I saw Dr. Sloan. He smiled at me, and I ignored him. I tried to ignore the look of confusion followed by hurt that flashed across his face. I went back to my room and threw the vase on my bedside table onto the floor. It was like a demon had taken over me, and my whole sight had gone red and blurry. I wasn't usually like this, and I was scared and then I just grabbed one of the jagged pieces on the floor and cut my arm, dangerously close to my wrist. It was a long, painful cut. I walked outside and saw Dr. Shepherd. I took a deep breath to calm my trembling body, and then I walked over to him. "Dr. Shepherd who do I go to if I have a cut?" I asked, and he smiled at me. He looked down to my cut and his expression changed.

"Lexie! Crap, um, okay, I'm going to page Mark. Um, I mean Dr. Sloan, if he doesn't have a surgery and Dr. Gre-" He said, but I cut him off. I grabbed some towels from a dispenser.
"You are not calling my half sister. I found out the other day, and I don't want her knowing what I've done." I snapped.
"You did this to yourself? Are you okay?" He asked, his eyes flashing with alarm. I sighed. "I'm fine. Can I please just be stitched up? Get anyone but Dr. Grey, please?" I pleaded. He sighed but agreed.

Mark wasn't busy. Or at least he had said he wasn't. I knew he was. He stitched me up carefully.
"So what's that stitch called?" I asked, curiously. No-one knew of my plans to become a doctor one day.
"It's a simple one. It's the- hey, are you copying my movements with your hand?" He asked, looking down at my hands. I blushed.
"I kind of want to be a doctor. It's nothing serious. Just a fantasy of mine. Which is hilarious because I love hospitals usually but I cannot seem to get out of this one." I huffed, wincing as he carried on sewing my skin. "Derek says you did this to yourself. Can I ask why?" He asked, pulling the needle through my skin effortlessly.
"I didn't mean to. I know you think I'm all messed up just cause I'm not eating. But I'm not suicidal or anything. It was just like this anger came over me. I smashed a vase on the floor and I grabbed one of the shards. I don't think I have to explain anything else. Do I? But it wasn't like that. I didn't want to. I hadn't even thought about it, self harming." I explained, looking at my arm. He tilted my chin up to look at him, into his charming eyes. "Hey, kiddo. I get it. Sometimes we lose control of ourselves, whether that means hurting yourself, or sleeping with your best friend's wife-" his eyes widened when he realised what he had said. I sprang on the chance to grill him.

"You what?!" I cried, slapping his arm. "You slept with your best friend's wife?" I repeated, completely shocked. Then I remembered what Izzie had said about him being a playboy. Maybe that's what she had meant.
"Yeah. You know that dark haired guy who brought you to me? Handsome but not quite as handsome as me?" He smirked, and I nodded. I had felt the hostility. "My best friend. Or should I say ex-best friend? He hates my guts and so does his wife. Blames me for it, acts like it's my fault when she could have said no. Now she's winning him back, which would be great were it not for the fact that Meredith and Derek are soulmates. He was never as happy with Addi as he was with Meredith." He shrugged, pulling me up. "Why were you so angry? Enough to cut yourself, I mean. Are you coming back?" He asked, and I tensed. "Dr- Mark, I mean. I never left. I'm sorry I lied to you, but I did. I haven't gained weight, well I have barely, and I'm staying for at least a month. I'll be bored all day, and Denny's heart will arrive anytime within the next two weeks. That's another two weeks without him" I sighed, getting angry again. He could sense it. "I'll tell you what, why don't I get an intern to come and talk to you today? Give them a 'psych taster', so to speak. I know a guy like you." He smiled. "It's non-negotiable." Smirking, he stalked off. I rolled my eyes and smiled.