shit ⟫ compilation of vents and rambles

➸

I've been really trying to change myself for the better
and lately I've been feeling a bit psychotic again-
Old habits are becoming new;
thoughts are, once again, uncontrollable;
eyes are caught staring at the same boy;
heart is beating odd temp to every song that plays. Why is it that I feel out of my own body?
I've been doing things I hate- old addictions.
Now everything is collapsing in on itself once again. I feel as my old self, bittersweet and everything,
but sober and dry
There's a war in my head and it's beyond raging; the fight between sane and desperate
This doesn't really makes sense but it's happening anyways.
There's nothing wrong; but everything behind close doors is the me I never wanted to be.
There are days, most days, where I feel okay
But those other days, my old self comes to visit, and I hate her.
My head has been aching for old habits lately.
I'm far beyond the self I used to be, but I'm not happy with the self I am creating.
Some days it's harder to ignore these desires when it's her who controls it.
My feelings are falling back into that place wherever this thing may be.