clouds.

023

(extended rewrite of a previous chapter, as a favor for the poetry club vice president at my old high school, i performed it at a slam poetry event)

I got dragged to this dumb party

When i was fourteen

Everyone in my class was there

All of you were there

But my only friend was not

I knew a couple kids

But spilled punch all over them

As i tried to be cool

And laugh at their jokes about

Everything unfunny

I made up a version of myself

Just to fit in

Another social clone

And i fooled them all so well

I fooled the biggest fool of all

Myself

Into thinking that somehow

This was what i wanted

Stale chips and mild salsa

And that it was enough

But my ambition starved for a taste of

Pizza

So i grabbed a slice or five

And chowed quietly in the corner

Where nobody cared to glance

Except someone's older sibling who said

I probably broke some record for

Carbohydrate consumption

To which i replied

I think i'll be sick

If i knew the limit of my lactose intolerance

At that point in time

Perhaps i could have derived

The end behavior of that night

Instead i learn that integral formula

For a life of no regrets

Over the course of an evening

That i spend trying to escape

With my wits and sanity intact

I weaved in and out of groups

Trying to fit some kind of groove

And stubbed my toe on the corner

Of oh no

And yes you

I brought only self deprecating humor to the table

Somehow i was able

To spin my hurt into a fable

Act like i had some semblance

To a girl mentally stable

If fake it til ya make it is real

Then this is how i want to feel

Nom on pizzas left and right

But with dairy free cheese on site

Share a secret or two

With someone who'll keep it

Write a note or two

To someone who'll read it

Meet my own sarcastic match

In a battle of cynicism giving way to a laugh

Dance like i could care to all the songs i hate

Until the clock hits eight

It's not like Cinderella though

Not fate

Just my curfew

And i'll be late

So much is uncertain still

Even as i lace up my shoes

Feel my heart pounding as it races my thoughts to the door

Adrenaline or hesitation

There's no in between

So stay standing

Or meet me at the finish line

When the party's over

It's dark all around

It's time to break away

But we don't tiptoe out

We all came here together

Now we're finding our own ways alone

I once hoped to see you there

I won't see you there

Wherever the party may go