Alone. (Paul McCartney)

Alone

December 8th, 1980

There is no one word for this. This feeling is that type that seems to fully consume you. Do you know the type? I'm speaking of a certain type of overwhelming despair. The funny thing about despair is that it's not the way they describe it in the movies...no no it is much different than that. The walls have not caved in, but are completely still and lacking the usual noise that bounces off them. My chest has not tightened with a sense of losing all breath and I have not gone numb of all emotion. Numbness. Most describe themselves as feeling numb when they lose something important to them. I am most certainly not numb, but the exact opposite. I feel so many things right now that I have absolutely no way of narrowing it down to one. My mind has not been racing at its usual pace, but instead has come to a halt at the thought of you. My heart seems to have gone offbeat, not able to catch pace from that of its lover. I haven't eaten all day and I can't have dinner. No not until you're home, but when will you be home? I began to pen a song and then realized it may as well be a pile of aged silver, unable to be polished by your nimble fingers and keen eyes. This feeling is so new to me that I can't decide how to deal with it. Every time I think I've come to a decision I find myself turning to you, wanting to ask for your advice. Why do I keep talking to you?! You aren't even here! Christ I need to get out of my head and back to reality but in there lies the problem. You are reality for me. I can't step into reality because there is none. I'm all alone. Oh. Is that the word I've been searching for? Alone? Maybe that's what I am now. Maybe. I don't know what I am. Where are you? It's getting so late and you aren't home. Wait. Please don't answer that question...I know where you are. And I know where I am John...I'm alone.