If y'all wanna know why I was gone for so long it was because of this one event. This one big drama that affected me so deeply. You'll think it's stupid, the reason it affected me. But would you really laugh at my pain? Are you that much of a sadist?
So here's what went down. After that one event, I was plain scared. I was scared for my life because I had fallen into what felt like a trap. I couldn't even tell if I was happy or not. I was just in this huge cloud I couldn't escape. No matter what I thought about or whatever position I was in, the horrible pain in my stomach just wouldn't go away. It was the first time I had thought about suicide in a really long time. I didn't want to tell anyone so I decided to just express it on here. I finally let the pain get to me. All the times they called me deluded, or a lost cause, or laughed at me, there I was. I let it get to me, and I never do. I usually try to block the pain but this broke my shell and you could say I was caught in a lieeee
For probably a week or a couple days I was in the most scary state I'd ever been in. I was so afraid of hurting myself or doing something to myself I was extra careful and even trapped myself in my mom's room while she was away. It's something I can never forget. Two of my other friends were also in a state like this (one from twitter and @Neko-Sasuke) and I never try to save myself in a situation where someone else is struggling. Of course, I tried to stay as strong as possible and I luckily did make it through and beared through it while also trying my hardest to help others. Luckily all 3 of us were fine.
I never want to show anyone how weak I am. I always want to be the strong friend who helps and is the hope of others' lives. The one who helps others through their tough times while my mental state is slowly eating me up. I still try hard for myself, but I worry about others more.
Over all this time, it's like my life is stopped in time. I have absolutely no connection with the world around me and I just don't feel alive anymore. Being in this one house that feels like a time travelling cage and my vision slowly going blurry, I'm slowly crumbling into disappearance.
However, I'm persistent. I will never really give up in any situation. That's why I want to stay strong. I still have a dream. I'm getting worse and worse every day, but I've only given up if I've died. I'm also really strong on keeping promises no matter fucking what happens in this world.
In my clouded state, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself I'd never commit suicide, that I'd at least live, no matter what.
That's one thing I feel can help people: promises. A lot of people aren't able to keep them, but you really can. It's possible to not give in, no matter what.
I'm still in a horrible state and I don't even know how long it's been since I got this shitty mental illness that I have to deal with everyday. I keep saying goodbye but I won't leave. I promise.
The reason I haven't really been on wattpad is because the event took place on wattpad, surprisingly enough.
@Neko-Sasuke and his readers will know. The drama bs with that one user? Yeah, it was because of them. I'm not going to name them. I don't want anyone attacking them, but I'll admit it here and now. The cause of this awful mental state and the reason I can barely go on here anymore, is because of them. They ruined me. At least for a couple of days. But gladly I rose up again.
You see, if something happens in a certain place, it's the hardest thing to get over it. Everytime I come back on here, I almost get that same feeling from that drama. Shaking, sickening, like there was a poisonous snake that bit me in the neck and its venom spread all over.
I rarely come here anymore, but if I do, I try to block the feeling like I always do, but because I completely let it get to me last time, I don't think I can ever feel the same way about this app again.
I love wattpad. I really do. It's such a wonderful place and it used to be such a calming atmosphere for me to fall asleep to. I would read fanfiction and listen to music, and I loved it.
But because of that damn user, I feel like I'm trampled now.
I wish I could go on here, I really wish I could.
But they ruined it so badly.
I'm very active on my youtube channel, called "YA PLAYA HATERS YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF BRR" with yoongi cosplaying naruto as my profile picture.
Go there if you want to talk to me.
I'm also active on my amino, my username is called "sorrybae.society #donutter". Twitter literally hates me and bans me at all costs (I went full out on them in a review) and ig just gives me such a high level of anxiety that I always avoid it. I didn't think I could get a worse feeling from anything else than ig, but wattpad is an exception, I guess. I dont like sc or mscly. Basically my only social medias are youtube and amino. I used to be on twitter 25/8 but ya know it hates me and I hate them lol.
This was so long holy shit sorry lmao
I meant to post this on my convo wall but I went past the limit
