It descended like a storm. My heart was racing and I already felt exhausted. I felt like everything was closing in on me. My mind went blank! I could barely see and every noise I heard was amplified. Crushing me with sound that seems immovable. All I could see was the door. I got up and tried to stumble out of the room. Everyone staring at me, watching my every move. Judging eyes that seemed to burn my skin. I opened the door and blindly ran...
I looked up at the door, hesitant to walk up the steps and have to face the whole charade of school again. As I stood there I was silently mustering up the courage to take the first step again. That's when I saw everybody, all their stares, their little jokes that they say but I just so happen to overhear. But the worst thing was the laughs. The laughs that decided to play with my head all day. The laughs that make me worried to do anything. The laughs that haunt me every night. In the quiet. I never hear a lot of their little conversations but what I do hear always makes me worry. I am always told I am being paranoid but I know that I am right. What else could they possibly be talking about but me? It's the things like "Oh wow have you seen his new haircut" or "I wonder what he is going to do today?" but the worst one, the thing I dread to hear, "Just look at him." I never know why it gets to me. That one line. But it does. It always does. The hallways of the school are ruthless to someone like me. Just the thought of them brings out a cold sweat.
The bell rang, signalling us it's time for lesson. So I shut my locker, double checking it was locked to make sure nobody would be able to steal anything and headed to first period. Maths. I slowly traipsed to class and sat down at my desk, hiding from everyone as usual. One of my class mates dropped my book in front of me, making my heart skip a beat. I swore I heard them chuckle as they walked away, I watched them sit down and laugh with her friends. She probably told them about me.
About twenty minutes later the teacher called me up. I had a sinking feeling in my heart and looked at the narrow walkway leading to him. I would have to walk up in front of everybody, in a silent classroom. I would be the only one making any noise and all the eyes were on me. I steadily walked up to him and prepared myself for whatever could come.
"Jim I need to talk to you about your scores recently." Oh no, I'm failing.
"What's wrong sir?"
"Nothing is wrong, it is just that you are scoring low and not achieving as well as you used to." I'm not good enough, I'm a failure. Everything is wrong.
"Right ok, what can I do?"
"You can take extra tuition. I am free most evenings if you need help."
Oh no this isn't happening; I'm going to fail maths and be a mockery! A disappointment to everyone again.
"Oh I don't need that I'll be ok, I'm sure."
"Are you sure Jim?"
"Yes, sir." I don't need other people knowing I'm so bad at this. Look at how easy they do it, they don't struggle or need extra tuition. I don't want that kind of attention.
I had this sinking feeling in my heart. The one that makes you think about your own future. It makes my heart beat and worries you to your very core. I sort of retracted into myself, hid in thoughts but the problem is, thoughts make me worse. I'm never going to amount to anything. I'm a failure, a disappointment. Look at everyone around me, staring, laughing and remembering it all to mock me forever. That's when I felt it...
The tingling in my hands and feet. The dizziness. The feeling that there's no way out of it. My heart started to race and I already felt exhausted. I felt like everything was closing in on me. My mind went blank! I can barely see and every noise I hear is amplified. Crushing me with sound that seems immovable. All I could see was the door. I got up and tried to stumble out of the room. Everyone staring at me, watching my every move. Judging eyes that seemed to burn my skin. I opened the door and blindly ran.
I felt like I had passed out from stress. My head was pounding and my heart finally slowed down. My vision was obscured and I felt like a fish bowl was over my head. I closed my eyes and just felt the air rush in and out my mouth and wind in my hair. That's when I realized I was outside, surrounded by two teachers staring at me. They'd both seen me at my lowest point. The whole class had and now I'd barely be able to face them again. Neither of the teachers said anything. They just held out their hands and helped me up with pity in their eyes. I want to be free of this. It feels like a curse. I'm not able to make through one school day without having an attack like that. I hate it. I hate me.
Walking towards the park, I try to prepare for what I'm about to do. Holding this old plastic bag that should be the lightest thing I've ever held, but it seems the heaviest. Weighing me down like all my other problems. I look up and see the gentle fields, birds and nature all in front of me. I find the loneliest, most secluded spot of trees. A metaphor for my life and how it's going to end. I climb up feeling the bark and tie the rope around the most secure branch. I then have it around my neck, hands trembling and breathing fast. The last sensation I ever feel will be this rope around my neck. But I'll finally be free.
