Home Sweet Home

hummingbird

I heard Russell crow.

I heard Calvin scream.

"KNOCK IT OFF. BOTH OF YOU."

I returned with some tissue and spread it on the chair, underneath Russell.

"Really?" He squawked.

"Its that or a birdie diaper."

This time Calvin laughed.

I looked at Russell. I could see he was ready to caw again.

I pointed a finger at him.

"You do and I tape your beak together."

I turned to Calvin.

"And you do that girly scream again and I will tape your mouth as well."

"Hummingbird?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, wishing that when I opened them, I would be in bed and all this would be some mixed up, confusing, stupid dream.

I opened my eyes.

It wasn't.

"Shit."

"Okay," I heard Russell say, laughing.

I turned to him.

At least he hit the tissue.

"Hummingbird?"

"Calvin. Please, for the love of God. Explain that," I pleaded, pointing at the ghost laying and moaning, on my bed.

"That is Baron Erich von Curtainbach. He was the third cousin of Adolf Hitler's barber. He was a banker in Germany, when the war broke out.

He robbed his own bank and managed to sneak out of Germany via the Underground Subway, which was a secret society of people helping rich German bankers escape Germany before Hitler shut down the banks.

Of course, the secret society killed most of the bankers and stole their money and then they themselves pretended to be the bankers and they escaped Germany."

"Of course," I sighed.

I sat on the edge of the bed. I had a feeling this was going to be a long winded explanation.

"Hummingbird?"

"Go to sleep Baron."

I looked back at Calvin, who was cleaning his glasses.

"Unbelievable."

"It is," Calvin continued.

"Anyway. von Curtainbach managed to make it through the Underground Subway and out of Germany. He then hitched a ride on a sub to Cuba, swam to mainland United States, hitch-hiked across the States and snuck across the boarder into Canada."

"And of all the places in the U.S. and Canada, he chose this place?"

Calvin nodded.

"Apparently, von Curtainbach was found wandering the forest by the great Chief of the Cowar Dly Indians; Chief Chit-face."

Russell laughed. 

So did I.

"The Chief's name was shit-faced?"

Calvin shook his head.

"No. Chit-face. C.h.i.t. It is Cowar Dly for 'he who is born of greatness' or something to that effect."

"More like, 'he who is born with loose bowels'," Russell quipped, laughing.

"Good one," I agreed.

Calvin ignored Russell and me and continued.

"Anyway. von Curtainbach fell in love with the Chief'd daughter, Fluttering Hummingbird and they were married.

The Chief gave them this sacred land as a wedding gift and they built this house here."

"Hummingbird?"

"Shut up," both Russell and I said at the same time.

"They lived happily here for many years and von Curtainbach looked after the finances for all of the Cowar Dly Indians.

They became very wealthy and powerful in the area and soon owned many of the businesses and property here.

But the locals rebelled against them and they were able to bring in laws that restricted what the Cowar Dly could own. They were only allowed to own lands and business that were on the lands originally assigned to them by treaty. Which is basically the land around your house, the surrounding forests and graveyards and of course the casino, on the other side of the lake.

The great Chief Chit-face, was going to take the town to court, but his daughter suddenly disappeared. All his efforts and the efforts of the tribe focused on finding his daughter.

But they never did."

I shrugged my shoulders.

"What happened to her?"

"No one is sure. There are rumours that she was attacked by the dog beast in the forest. Another said she was turned into a vampire. Another said she was abducted by aliens. No one is really sure. All that is sure, is that she was never found."

I shook my head. Dog beasts, vampires and aliens. All I needed now to make the picture complete were fairies, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

"But what about moaning boy there?"

"They found the Baron dead in this bed. His butler tried to wake him one morning, but he could not. They say he died of a broken heart."

"Hummingbird?"

"SHUT UP."

Calvin took off his glasses and cleaned them again.

"Why do you do that?" I had to ask.

"Habit I guess."

He put the glasses back on.

"So every night when the sun goes down, the Baron wanders the halls of the house, calling out his wife's name. He then goes to the basement and just before dawn he return to this room, lays on the bed and dies."

"Dies?"