Collapsar

001

insomnia (originally written 11/29/2019, updated)

It was 3 am, when he typically got nightmares. He stumbled out of bed, leaving a warm but quickly cooling imprint of himself on his bed. Beelining for the bathroom where he'd usually splash himself with some cold water and stare in the mirror as the shadows taunted him. Passing by the dorm kitchen, he swore he saw me. At least my silhouette. It looked like I was pouring myself a glass of water and taking some pills, a laptop left open on a Google Doc filled with words. He thought he saw me, but as he ventured closer he realized I wasn't there at all. No one was there. He desperately wanted to send me an "i miss you," but it was three am.

The phone he clutched in his hand, lanyard about his neck with his keys and student ID, buzzed. It wasn't me. One of his friends who was out of the country had posted. He waited for five more minutes, waiting for a message that he doubted would come.

Then his phone buzzed again, and it was me. "i got this feeling you had a nightmare, or am i wrong?" it read with a small iMessage sticker, the ones I loved sending a little too much. His heart skipped a beat or two, and he wandered towards the common area, not wanting to wake his roommate. "can i call you?" he replied, to which I sent a sticker with a thumbs up. He called me and I picked up.

"Hey." He whispered as though this was a dream and I smiled.

"Hey, dork." I replied with a tired twinkle in my eyes.

"How'd you know?"

"Gut feeling, honey."

"I'm not bothering you. Right?"

"Nope, I can't sleep anyway."

"Insomnia?"

"Something like that. I tried my melatonin and no luck there."

He gives me something close to a smile before whispering, "I miss you."

"I miss you too. But honey, what was the nightmare about?"

"Just overwhelming fear. I thought I was home again."

"Give me a minute." I say as I slip on my red hoodie. I'm already in my sweatpants and ready to do a late night run over to your dorm to keep you company. He watches my phone shake as my face bobs in and out of frame, "It's harder than I thought, putting on shoes with one hand."

"You don't have to come over." He whispers as he watches me slip on my shoes.

"I want to." I say as I put in earbuds and get ready to run over to his residence. My backpack is already more than ready to go. I've got change in there for a night. My roommate isn't in again, opting to stay at her latest hook-up's room. That was one of our agreements, let's not do the deed in our shared room if possible. And if it's gonna happen, send a warning.

He stays on the line with me and we talk as I make my way to his dorm. When I get there I'm slightly out of breath and a disheveled mess, he opens the door with a smile. We end the call there, and I wrap him in a much-needed hug.

"Why aren't you asleep yet?" He asks, not wanting to dwell on the nightmare as we sneak back into his room.

"I was thinking. I guess sleep got tired of waiting on me and abandoned me."

He quietly laughs at that and I smile because I love it when he's laughing.

"Thanks for coming."

"Anytime, I love you more than anything in this world and you know that."

We get settled on his bed; I make sure he's closer to the wall, I don't want him rolling off the bed. I hug him and hold him close to my chest. I won't be sleeping for a while, but I can pretend.

"Will you be here in the morning?" He asks quietly.

"Of course I will. I'll even wake you up early so we can have ice cream sandwiches for breakfast."

He laughs at that. It's a bad habit, I will admit. But they're absolutely delicious, and I'll swear that before any court.

He settles into a comfortable breathing pattern as I hold him, still drowning in thought. Somewhere between thinking about a new idea to write and analyzing the book I was supposed to read, I doze off.

Like a natural clock, I'm up at six again with less than three hours of sleep. Skipping the contacts, I slip on my glasses. I do my usual morning routine before I wake him at seven. He groans a little as he slowly sits up. "C'mon, let's get those ice cream sandwiches." I say as I chew on a stick of gum. "Five more minutes," he protests, as I shake my head and laugh. "It's seven-fifteen."

With a sigh he pulls himself upright, and I pass him his glasses. His breath catches and his eyes widen when he realizes I'm wearing my glasses too. "Nerd." He teases as I blow a bubble and quietly pop it. After about ten minutes, he's ready to go too and we head out to the dining hall. I'm carrying my backpack, slung over a shoulder with everything necessary inside. No, I don't have an Epi-Pen. I do have poison control's number though.

I get rid of my gum outside the door and we enter hand in hand. We scan in and pick up breakfast. I pick up an ice cream sandwich with a wink. He shakes his head but follow suit. "Weirdo." he says as I laugh. "C'mon that's one of my best traits. As long as I'm the weird one, no one's gonna second guess you." I reply grinning. I don't know what the other people near us thought, and I'm not sure I care anyway.

Afterwards, we go to Philz where the woman taking orders recognizes me and asks if it's the same drink as last time. I nod and thank her; yes, I wanted a Mocha Tesora. I pay with my card, large as usual. He laughs as I take a sip and declare it the best drink ever. He knows that I'm about to get caffeine high, but he finds it cute. We both know it's not cute, I just act wild. Or paranoid, coffee does strange things to me. Not to worry, I'm certain I won't scare off prospective students. I'm laughing and waving at all the fellow students I happen to know, which happens to be a decent number of people. He's feeling awkward, and I know he is, so I don't stick around for the conversations. I walk him to class instead and promise to wait for him.

He comes out of class looking tired, so I take you out to lunch. There's no real logic, I just figure a date might make him feel better so we do that. He laughs. I smile, "Glad you seem happier now."