My Not So Daily Diary

14th June 2018

Hey guys, 

So this is going to be a serious entry, and I will warn you it is going to be about mental illness and suicide.

For the past 3 years I haven't felt okay, not mentally. But I shrugged it off to just being a bad week as it would come and go. I struggled with heavily smoking and cutting,  I am 16 years old now and I was 13 at the time. 4 months ago my friend convinced me to go to the doctors about it and I hadn't realized what was wrong until the doctor prescribed me anti-depressants and told me I was severely depressed and had bad anxiety. This tipped my world upside down and my mum had a negative reaction, telling me it isn't real. I started the medication and I got a bit better but my home life didn't. About a month ago I quit the medication as I didn't like how it made me feel, and I ended up going down hill really badly. Bad enough to the point were this Tuesday I tried to take my own life, but I rang my friend crying down the phone. She immediately got authorities (a safeguarding officer at the school and our head teacher). They came to my house and my friend cried as she bandaged my wrists and the officer rang my mum, even when I didn't want her to. 

My mum came home from work and she was upset but willing to listen this time, I spoke to her and she now understands more than she did, she has become more supportive even if its only been 2 days. I told her about the smoking and she got me a vape to help stop and I have been signed off school/sixth form for the rest of the week.  I'm feeling a bit better now and I think it will improve as time goes on. 

I wanted to share this because I feel that its so important to be there for your friends and sometimes you need to do that one thing they don't want you to do, as it might end up saving their life, as it did mine. Mental health is not an esay thing to speak up about, but once someone knows, they can fight it with you and help you get through it.. don't fight this battle on your own.

I write passages based on my feelings as a release and I wanted to share this one with you: 

 When you think you can't carry on anymore, glance back and see how far you've come.
Remind yourself that progress, no matter how little, is still progress.
Those scars on your body aren't mistakes, they are battle wounds, it shows you've lived, you survived.
However you do not need to add to those scars darling... no matter how pretty or beautiful they look, no matter how much you 'deserve' the pain, no matter how much easier you think it makes you feel.
It's okay to feel down without a reason. Sadness doesn't need to have a reason.
This 'illness' is not fake, is not attention seeking, is not pretty, is not EASY.
Yes, you can hide it, yes, you can hide the blood, blades and scars, yes you're smiling. Yes you're laughing. Yes you are OkAy.
The heaviness may stay for a while, it may leave for a while, it doesn't mean it isn't real; that it isn't there.
Switch the blood for music.
Switch the crying to art.
Switch the silence to speaking.
I'm not saying to do it, I'm saying to try.
You are not bothering people when you ask for help.
You are not over-emotional or a crybaby when you break over small things.
You do not need to smile if you can't.
I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not.
It's okay not to be alright, it's okay to reach out, it's okay to be angry, sad, it's okay to hurt.
After all I am human and I have feelings and a heart.
But I'm trying. I may not be okay now but I'll get there.
I will beat this monster clouding my mind.  

thank you so much for reading this, if any of you are struggling feel free to message me any time, even if you just want to have a normal conversation, I'm here. I'm here for any, and all of you.