BRAVE

Brave that's what my therapist said to me "You are brave for coming for help" well at least I think that's what she said I couldn't hear really anything it was like I was listening to white noise.  Tears were coming down my eyes my knees were shaking it felt like that day I was shaking from fear but I felt like a sort of relief it was bittersweet . 

This boy I didn't talk to him I never did I guess he knew me pretty well I wasn't the social butterfly like everyone else my mom always told me to open up more . She always told me that she was the popular one in high school I never cared if I was popular or not most of them turned out to be pregnant but so I thought .

 When I was five, my dad died from a heart attack he was my confidant he was my hero . My mom told me story of when I was in her belly and I would kick my mom and my dad would try and listen immediately he was definitely excited to have me and so was my mom after plenty of tries for a baby I came she named me Amari which meant miracle from god . My dad recorded everything about me he had videotapes of me since the day he found out about me until the day I turned five my mom went through a really bad depression after my dad passed away in my room I could hear my mother crying into the bed and I would go into her bed and it felt like a pool of tears. 

Two years later my mom met a man and a year later they got married we moved closer to my grandparents house I started third grade I had the best memories then . I turned eleven everything changed my mom got pregnant she was excited and my stepdad too I was happy to have someone but me in this house I was a rebel when the baby came around my mom wasn't happy with my behavior cause I would cause a lot of trouble at school I was just jealous of the baby cause it was my mom and me for a really long time what sucked was that my birthdays were in August and they were always close to going back to school when I turned 15 i also started high school I was really nervous this was gonna be something different but I turned out great well that was until junior year . 

I got an invite to a party by the most popular girl in school I'm gonna admit that there was alcohol and weed but what happened there I didn't deserve it and luckily now I know that. he was that guy you wanted to be around he seemed to care about everyone but he didn't care about anyone but himself i was sitting in this grungy garage sitting in a scratched up couch when he came up to me and asked if I was planning on sitting there the whole time I rolled my eyes he then said im kidding would you like a drink I ignored him he then introduced himself and then I told him mine he started flirting with me i should've left it at that but I didn't . All i know is that he got me a drink it tasted sweet two minutes i felt dizzy i told myself but i only took one sip all i remember was that my body went numb and remember being thrown like a sack of potatoes onto the bed i woke up feeling sick and my vagina was so sore my clothes ripped off of me i looked at myself in the mirror i had a black eye and he was there sleeping with him condom still on him but the sore on my eye kept hurting me and that's when it hit me 

I was raped by him i grabbed my phone and i took a picture and then i called 911 i reported i was raped by this guy i explained the whole story they told me to go to a hospital i did they took pics of everything it felt like i was being raped all over again i had a doctor ask me if i'm sure i wanna report this this will cause a lot of problems for you and the guy i told him with a type of look of disgust on my face i was in shock that he would say something like this and i told him i wanna report this he taught me something because of this that i can't let other people dictate me anymore or my body

 Im sitting here today telling you today that life takes in unexpected places. i'm now 21 years old and i wanna change my life for the better i was in a dark place after that i used drugs while in my sophomore year all the way until my senior year i got arrested for shoplifting and selling drugs i went through but now i'm getting my ged and now i'm expecting my first daughter and i have a husband who loves me for me not for some im not.Thanks for listening to my story i can't wait to hear everyone's story of hope i hope in this circle we learn from eachother