( trigger warning for any suicide at this point of the story until the '+' part of the chapter )
yet i can drown those out as my sobs become evidently louder and i push through the bathroom cabinet's multiple medication until picking one. i know ethan can hear the chaos and begins to worry now as his voice is louder and full of shouts. the door handle jiggling harder when he does this. the cap of the pills is hard to take off but when i finally pop it off after some struggle the door is being busted open. ethan's fingers shoving the pills out of the palm of my hand. "no, no, no!" i scream falling down to the floor trying to pick up every one of them.
i needed those to finish it all. to stop the ringing in my ears and the pain permanently stitched to my chest. "aurora, stop it!" he shouts pulling me back into his chest on the floor. i try to push away hard but he pulls me down. i can't move but i still struggle when he rocks me back and forth speaking words i can't comprehend at the moment.
soon my struggle is no longer there and it's just the sobs and whimpers from my voice. ethan still sits on the bathroom floor with me when it all plays out. his body holding me up and stopping me from doing anything other then crying.
+
time seemed to be unnoticeable due to me not being sure how long we sat on the bathroom floor. i just know i woke up to seeing ethan blurry and his body bent over and picking up the mess from the bathroom. my eyes hurt and must be softly swollen and painted with redness. i am able to shift a little in my bed and ethan notices when he walks to where i lay. "hey," he whispers and wipes away strands of hair from my face. it is a soothing action and i shut my eyes for a moment liking it. "how are you feeling?"
i shake my head when he says this. "like the worst person in the whole entire world." my voice is raspy from the amount of crying i did. ethan only offers me a sad smile.
"no, i think there are way worse people then you who have been on this planet. i mean at least you're not hitler." he jokes and i only frown when he does.
"really not in the mood for teasing, e." i state and he nods when i speak.
"sorry." he tells me and i don't say anything when he now continues to run fingers through my hair.
"did you see her face, ethan?" i don't hear him saying anything as more tears fall instinctively. "did you see her fucking face? we broke her. we did that to her. i hurt my best friend in the whole world." i conclude and ethan only sighs.
"this is my fault. i'm so sorry, aurora."
"this isn't just your fault ethan." i tell the boy and i turn around to get a better look at him. he shakes his head and places a hand on my cheek. his palm was warm and felt nice there.
"but it can be. i can tell vivian it was all my fault and then she could talk to you again. you won't have to worry about her and madeline hating you for-" ethan rambles on but i shake my head this time when he does. there are fallen tears coming from his eyes and this is not the first time i have seen the boy cry. it hurts my heart when he does and i wipe them away.
"absolutely not, ethan. i'm not letting you take all the blame. that's ridiculous." i state and he nods when i do. he was just as hurt as me. i can see the guilt eating away at him the same way it did to me.
"what do we do?" he suddenly speaks up and i shrug my shoulders.
"we can't do anything anymore. it's absolutely done." i answer him and he nods. "we have three more weeks left of school. prom is next weekend then finals and graduation. then we are done and we won't have to ever look back on this place." i explain. ethan nods once again agreeing with my words. but then he somehow smiles which causes confusion. however it is contagious as i do the same foreign action and laugh.
