aftertaste ;; 2jae

5

With a low voice, he whispered an I don't know as he kept his eyes on the ground. He didn't want Jackson to see the sadness in his eyes.

"Do you have a problem?" he asked.

Before Youngjae can answer, a voice called him. It was Jaebum's. Youngjae looked up and saw Jaebum walking towards them.

"Hey Jacks, mind if I borrow Youngjae for a bit?" he said.

Jackson gave Youngjae a look to which Youngjae just nodded as if telling him it's okay.

"Ahm, sure go ahead," he said albeit hesitantly, he made sure to look at Youngjae before he went back inside.

"Can we go somewhere else?" Youngjae asked. Despite being outside, they can still hear the music from inside and it seemed to bother Youngjae. That, and the fact that anyone can walk in on them or the undeniable truth that after the talk Youngjae will surely cry bothered him; and he didn't want anyone to see him like that.

It was dark outside, save from the light coming from the moon, as the two of them walked with Youngjae leading the way. They didn't speak, they didn't even walk beside each other.

When they arrived at the place—the park, Youngjae went and sat down on one of the swings. Jaebum did the same, sitting on the one beside Youngjae. The swings made soft squeaking sound as Youngjae make small movements on it. He had both hands on the chains of the swing as he lets his eyes stare at the starless sky above.

"I missed you," he said in a whisper but it was enough to reach Jaebum's ears. Youngjae kept his gaze upward as he tried to control his tears, "I didn't mean to say that," he said.

It was silent between the two of them, it's so silent that Youngjae can no longer hear the squeaking of the swing nor the occasional breeze that hits his cheek. The silence was deafening and Youngjae didn't want it. He didn't want this, he wanted to run away. He didn't want to hear what Jaebum will say. He didn't want to lose Jaebum.

He felt his tears pooling up in his eyes and he shut his eyes tightly trying to prevent his tears from spilling as his grip on the chains tighten. It's too early to cry when he knew he'll cry a lot more after this.

Youngjae can't see Jaebum so he wasn't sure if the other was aware that he's close to crying and breaking down. It was silent, until it wasn't when Jaebum decided to break it. Breaking other things in the process.

"Youngjae," he called out, his voice as gentle as ever and Youngjae hates to think this might be the last time he'll hear his name from the other's mouth.

"You know, my mom used to tell me 'if it's meant to be, it will be' and I believe that, even now, I still do."

Youngjae kept his eyes shut, he knew that as soon as he opened his eyes his feelings will spill in form of tears and sobs robbing him of the chance to hear everything Jaebum wanted to say.

"What if it's just like us."

It was quiet but Youngjae can hear the loud shattering of his heart.

"If we really are meant to be, it'll happen. But now, I don't think now's the right time for us," Jaebum said and Youngjae needed air. 

He couldn't keep it anymore, it came out with a little sob. It grew louder, turning into cries. He was catching his breath,It was suffocating as if he was drowning, drowning on his own feelings spilling out. His hands no longer gripped the chains of the swing as it was now covering his face trying to hide his tears and muffle his cries. His hands smelled like decaying metal and a dying love.

"Youngjae, baby, don't be like this," Jaebum said and Youngjae felt Jaebum in front of him, his hands on the younger's thighs.

Youngjae wanted to say something, but his tears won't stop.

"I don't want to lose you," he said between his tears and sobs, "Jaebum I don't want to lose you," he said this time louder as if it'll make Jaebum change his mind as if it'll make everything better.

Youngjae felt Jaebum removing his hands from his face, he didn't want to see Jaebum. He didn't want to look at him, thinking it'll be the last. He didn't want to see nothing in the eyes that was once filled with love. But he can't help it, especially when Jaebum lifted his chin to face him.

"Baby look at me."

Their eyes met and it was the first time that night, that Youngjae got the chance to properly look at his lover. He looked beautiful despite the tears running down the side of his face, was the first thing that came in Youngjae's mind.

"I know this is fucked up, I fucked up but I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. I don't want you to fall deeper when I'm already on my way back to the top. Youngjae you deserve better, and better is not me," Jaebum said as he cried.

Youngjae shook his head, he didn't want to let go. Jaebum started standing up and Youngjae immediately grabbed him by his wrist. "Don't go," he said, but it wasn't enough.

"I'm sorry Youngjae," Jaebum said meeting his gaze, there it was—the void, Youngjae saw nothing. His grip loosen and Jaebum started to walk away.

——

I didn't want to write this, but I did. I hope you liked it and thanks for reading.