Dark Night

And the final push

"UCLA got their acceptances out really early," she said. "I was surprised it took you so long to find out. I got mine the week before."

"I did get the acceptance earlier," I confessed. "But it was the Olympics, and winning the gold was huge for Stan. It didn't hurt anything to wait a bit to announce it to the family." I had applied for another internship and to keep up my diving certification, so I'd be spending a big chunk of summer at school and I encouraged Cass to come down early so I could show her around campus and the city, have some fun.

There was other good news that helped me snap out of my post-Will funk. I went up to the rink with Stan one day, skating during public skating while he did PT, which is when I saw Krista's ring. The diamond was small but really sparkly in a pretty halo setting, a perfect fit with her sparkly personality. I was thrilled for them both and made an extra trip up to congratulate Marc too. He said he'd gotten over his ex in a hurry not long after he'd started dating Krista when he'd checked the ex's social media one night when he was low and found out about her sugar daddy. That made it easy for him to stop looking back and focus on what he had now.

"You two are so good together," I said enthusiastically. "I'm so happy for you, Marc."

"Thanks, Delia. We've got a solid relationship that's based in a long friendship. My parents came down from Quebec after the Olympics to meet her, they really like her as well. I hope you'll be able to find somebody too. I want you to be happy as well." 

I hoped so too. At least for now, school was engrossing enough.

And shortly after I started my last quarter, I submitted my application for graduation. "It feels weird," I told Paul at lunch one day. "It's a big thing for me but it doesn't feel like a massive achievement because I'm looking at two to five more years of school before the advent of real life." Paul snorted acerbically .

"I plan on taking five years to go through college in order to take all the electives that I think will help me succeed and I might apply for grad school, maybe not, you can still get really good jobs with just a bachelors, but regardless, I'm going to celebrate the hell out of graduation. You're too focused on the future, General. You've got to learn to enjoy the present." His tone softened. "You go so hard that you don't always fully appreciate what is happening now. You always focus on the next big thing. Stop and smell the roses sometime, Leia. You're not stuck in a crappy home in high school anymore. You do a lot of things, have a lot of experiences, but you always have the end of something in sight. Don't be in such a hurry to complete things and check them off your bucket list."

I opened my mouth to give him a piece of my mind, then shut it and reconsidered. "Damn it, Paul, when did you get so insightful?"

He shrugged, unsmiling. "My brother has been teaching a masterclass in being a screwup. Took a leaf out of your book and studied him. And I realize that while he's largely directionless aside from his one big thing--either skating or studying--you're too rigid. You lay a path down and you don't tolerate deviations for long. You're great at identifying a need and doing something about it, your ethical compass fully pointing forward. Your friends on campus were moving on? You joined a sorority and made a crapton of new friends. Check. You have a career goal, you get the appropriate major, work hard, get to the next level. Check. Even when you see my brother broken down on the side of the road, you didn't just call a tow truck for him, you haul his carcass home. For which I thank you, I would have had to go back for him and I'd just gotten settled in with some popcorn and The Fast and the Furious." He hesitated. "And I'm not trying to be cruel, but what if Will had just been an accountant or something who got a job in Wisconsin? Would you have finished out here and gone to join him if he just wanted to take the job for a few years, then relocate somewhere you could have picked up your graduate studies? Could you have really done that major a deviation from your plans?"

I scowled at him. I couldn't say for sure. But there would have been a long-distance relationship in that case.

"Don't get too focused and brittle." His voice was as gentle as it ever got. "Brittle people break. There's no room for the ability to take advantage of opportunities. And I know you believe that you make your own opportunities, but sometimes crazy good things just happen out of nowhere. Don't let yourself be unable to take advantage of that."

After lunch, I was still kind of pissed. I wasn't accustomed to that kind of insight from Paul, obviously doing him a disadvantage. But as I stomped along to my job, I had to recognize that he had a point. I hated, just HATED, to draw a parallel between myself and my brother, but we were both very self-reliant. His mantra 'if I skate a clean program I can win' obviously became a slightly different version in me. What would it be? Probably something along the lines of "if I work hard I can have what I want." Damn it. Don't tell me that the decade-long hero worship I had before my brother turned--briefly--into an asshole affected my whole life view.

Aw, crap.

I thought about Will as I walked. The football career was a dealbreaker because I hated to watch him play and I couldn't deal with his fame and what came with it. I knew that was a reason, but what if I'd been more open to solutions? What if he'd said 'finish college than give me a few years.' His contract was for five years. Would it have been so awful to delay grad school for that long? There were university programs in Miami, Seattle, other cities as well. He could have signed with one of them.  If they'd been interested. Did Will think that I was too set in my plans to offer an option, or was he just content for things to run like they had? I'd Googled him when on spring break and there had been a mention of him having been seen on several dates with a woman and they'd looked 'cozy.' From the pictures, she was lovely. Tall, lean, blonde, looked nice. I sighed, feeling unutterably depressed suddenly. I didn't know if Will had been the love of my life or Mr Perfect For Now and I probably would never know. I could ask him about why we never talked about ways around--although I never indicated I was open to alternatives--but he was getting on with his life. I knew he was happy. I wanted him to be happy. And to be fair, I would never have really been reconciled to his football career.

Yeah, it really wouldn't have worked out over the long term. The only way it would have is if he was unfortunate enough to have a career-ending injury early on. Which would have ended his dream.

Ok, enough 'what ifs.' I needed to take Paul's warning to heart and look around now and then, though.

The quarter went by really fast. Despite my resolution, I kept my head down and my focus on graduation. I went to the house's spring formal with a guy I wasn't too interested in and had a good time, I did things with my friends. It was kind of a surprise to get the email that I had to order my cap and gown. I had an Honors cord and a stole with my Greek letters on it. And all of a sudden I was writing my last exam, packing up my room, and hugging everybody goodbye as they left. I could stay in the house until after graduation. We didn't have a graduation rehearsal, we just showed up, were herded into colleges and then subherded into groups based on our programs. There were boring speakers, then I strode across the stage to shake hands with the head of the college and accept the diploma case.