the feeling of just giving up

where it all started

hi, to any poor soul that decided to read this. I apologize now for what you are about to read. But lately things are going on in my mind that just want me to die..... nobody knows this. not my friends, my boyfriend, my sisters, or my parents. I don't even know this myself. I know people will say," oh, she is just looking for attention" or "this is another person with the same old story" and I know that there are people out there that need help or they need someone. But the world is not for the innocent. it's not for the people that have no confidence. I'm learning this. slowly and painfully. well I guess I should start from the beginning, huh?.....

Let's start from when I was little I guess. when I was little, my older cousin told me that I was not part of her family. that I wasn't part of any family. I felt that that day charged me. I did everything my parents said, helped my sisters and tried to not be a bother. But this. this made me change the way I see them. I couldn't help it. I was young. later on, when I was around in the ninth grade, I had a huge crush on this guy, we are still friends now. But I was self conscious. even know. I know that I'm ugly, even when I tried to be pretty, I just can't. I feel like my friends are my friends because they pity me. all my friends are pretty, smart, and just so fun to be friends with. and I'm just there.... when I was in the tenth grade, I meet my current boyfriend. he likes to take pictures, he's a flirt, and he's just likes to live life to the fullest. I'm literally the opposite of him. I don't understand him at all. I've seen girls just go up to him and just want to be with him. I feel like if I wasn't part of his life, he'll be happier. we don't even see each other. the reason why is because my parents won't let me. they like to control my life and everything I do. I just don't know what to do. I know my problems will go away.... But..... I just don't know what to do.

I wrote this mainly because I wanted to record what's going on. and to later see what happened to me at the end. well.... good luck to the people who read to the end. I... thank you.... bye