Endlessly Falling #ProjectHidden

Is it worth it?

I honestly can barely remember my life before depression took over. I suppose I was happy, I can remember smiling a lot, but it's been so long I can't tell if that was fake or not.

I fake smiles a lot. Maybe that's because what is assumed is that I'm the really jolly, really loving person. I don't like that assumption. I don't like any assumption.

All my life I've been taught to be someone else- cute, innocent, heterosexual, an angel to everyone- someone that I'm not.

I think if I'm going to try to explain myself I need to tell you about my family:

I have a big family- 5 siblings, 2 parents, a bunch of relatives. If I tolled you about everyone you'd be here all day, so I'm just going to narrow it down to my close family.

So let's start with my siblings: Two of them, my oldest sister and my brother, are married and living with there spouse, I don't really know them too well, they don't really know me too well.
And then the two oldest sisters that live with us: We also aren't that close. The giant age gap between us really pulls us apart. (They are in college, and I'm going to be in 8th grade.) We still goof around sometimes, but can't really say I trust them with a lot of things.
And lastly, the sister that is closest to my age: I'd say that she and I are the closest, which is sad because we fight all the time, but we also are together more often. I still wouldn't say we're not distant, we just get along sometimes.

My parents: They are very loving people, and they are very much in love. All my life they've been there for me, and I really can't say anything bad about them because I love them so much, but one thing I will say- they are extremely homophobic. I'm kind of forced into the closet because I don't want to come out and ruin everything.

The only people I'm actually close to, and trust, are my friends. Yes I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true, they are who help me get through my depression and anxiety.

But even with them I'm drowning in a pool of thoughts.

Thoughts that keep me up at night wondering if I'll ever be more then the pathetic piece of shit that I am. Thoughts that keep me aware during the day, looking at my surroundings and hoping people will just look right through me, hoping that I will just disappear.

Daily I struggle with my mind. Nothing keeps me from getting down, and nothing makes me feel better. I always get down and never talk about it.

It use to be a small thing, just every now and then I get a little depressed, but know it's consuming my life, making it worse by the day, taking over minute by minute, sometimes I wonder "Is it worth it?!"

Is it?

The worst part is no one knows, and no one can see it. It's just me and my mind.

I honestly feel like I'm falling. I was standing on the ledge before, but know I'm just falling with no one else. I feel alone. What's the point of it anymore?

I try to be "normal" and push everything under the carpet, my depression, my anxiety, my feelings, my worries, but no matter how non existing they seen to you, they are very real to me. I am reminded of that every day.

I've been taught that who I am is not who I should be, and I need to keep everything to myself. I want to believe that's not true, but I'm not so sure anymore. 

I'm nothing but a piece of crap, and I know everyone can see it, they just keep it to themselves. I know I'm not really important to them, I just wish I was.

I go through life with a fake smile on my face and I keep that mask on until I'm alone.

Is it worth it?

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