People often wonder if "love at first sight" is true or if it takes longer for a person to fall in love. Do we one day see the person differently and wonder how we fell for them or had we been intrigued by their looks and personality for so long it had progressed to something more? We could ponder such a notion and argue until we had no more fight left and still not know the truth, but one thing is for certain: We don't choose who we fall in love with. We don't. We simply find ourselves drawn to someone and we start to notice subtle things about them, their personality and physical appearance. We constantly wonder what they are doing at an exact moment or who their thinking about. We study them like an entomologist studies a newly discovered insect under a microscope, examining its complexity and beauty. We marvel at how such a person could exist and how perfect they seem doing even the simplest tasks. A glow of purity and mystery surround them and as the curious creatures we are, we explore. We yearn to develop a relationship with them, learn about how they see the world and want more than anything their returned affection. Digging beneath the surface to discover the darkness that lurks beneath even the happiest person. The twisted mind and thoughts that could only be contemplated during the night hours. Once we win the person over it would seem like smooth sailing from there but I'm here to tell a different story. A story that fairy tales don't want you to see, the story after "and they lived happily ever after..." because in reality love hurts like a bitch. Hitting you like a tonne of bricks and you end up on your bathroom floor crying at 3am, screaming at yourself for lettings things fall apart and asking yourself where it all went wrong. That's what love does to you. Real love hurts you so bad you don't know if you'll ever love again.
February 14. Valentine's Day, how ironic right? I was already up before him and I came in to see him getting ready for work. How smart he looked with his suit and tie and perfect smile. It still took my breath away that he had chosen me, what could he see in me that I couldn't? He noticed me staring and gave me a crooked smile and wink. Within a matter of minutes I received a quick kiss and he was out the door. Matthew Teller. The one I knew I spend the rest of my life with, the one that had stayed by my side through my battles and picked me up when I so low I didn't think I could return. My hero, my other half, soul mate. I knew that tonight was the night. The proposal. I would become the future Mrs. Teller and couldn't wait. If only my parents were still alive to witness it, I was raised in foster homes when they were killed in a car accident only a few weeks after I was born. No other biological family meant the government "took care" of me, but I didn't go into a stable home until thirteen years old. I met Matthew when I went to university and like I said I still don't know if it was love at first sight but I knew that he would become very special to me. Now it had finally come to this, the proposal.
Work was a blur but I managed to slip out early and venture home to get ready. Matt came how a bit later and just stood in the doorway with a dumbfounded expression of awe. He complimented on how beautiful I looked. I felt a rush of butterflies and my cheeks flushed. How did he still manage to make me feel this way? The dinner went nicely, exactly how I imagined it. The low lit lighting and magical view of the sea, those dark blue waves rolling and tumbling onto the shore, the violin and piano playing in the background. What more could I ask for? Taking a hold of my hands he looked into my eyes and uttered five words I'll never forget: I can't do this anymore. What... Couldn't do this? My perfect world had vanished with the uttering of five words. He began to explain how we had become distant and I wasn't the same as I was when we started the relationship. We were on different walks of life and wanted completely different things. Throughout his speech I could only think that someone else was involved and this whole dinner was to soften the blow. When I could finally look at him sitting across from me, he had changed dramatically. He looked cheap and imperfect, a stranger and a liar. His words were meaningless and everything that he was, was a lie. Sickness filled my stomach and I had to grip the table for support. How could he do this? Or was this my stupidity that imagined something that wasn't there? I just had question after question that I wanted to ask but my heart was beating rapidly and my mind whirled. Why me?
Days went by, negotiations with the house and furniture were made and he moved everything out. He couldn't even look me in the eye when he got in his car and pulled out of the driveway for the last time. Sleeping was the only thing to subdue the pain just for a moment. I couldn't overthink things when I was sleeping. I was at peace and everything was alright just for a moment. All I want to do is warn you, don't think that anything is permanent because it isn't. In a moment someone you love will decide they don't love you anymore and don't need you in their lives and they'll leave. I warn you friend, be on your guard and take care of yourself. Because in the end you only have yourself. When you're at your lowest point allow others to help you up but help yourself as well. Enjoy moments and cherish the small things in life, do what makes you happy and believe in yourself. Dare to dream and try wild things you never thought you would. Stay clear of negativity and help others around you. Life is full of moments and it's up to you how you choose to spend them.
