Back to You (Sequel to Take Me Away From Here)

Chapter 19

"Babe, it's probably just a fear coming to light... probably because we're back in stadiums for this tour. It's just stirring up some old trauma, that's all." I reassure her, before seeing her shake her head. 

"No, it's deeper than that, Tim. I know it is... I just... I know I'm going to go first, and I know that'll I'll go in this way. It just... It feels real, and it's deep. It feels like it's trying to warn me." She says, coming off a little crazy. I stare, before taking a deep breath. She looks up at me, biting her lip for a moment while her mind seems to race. "You know the whole story about Patsy Cline? How she had nightmares about plane crashes for years before she actually died in one?" She lets out, sitting up a bit and turning to look at me. "I feel like this is the same thing... Tim, it's real... it's not just a dream. I don't know why this is happening, but it is, and I just don't know what to do about it." She continues, leaving me a little speechless. My mouth hangs open slightly as I pray for the right words to come naturally. They don't. "You think I'm crazy..." She remarks, looking down at her knees, a little disheartened. I shake my head, still unable to find something to say. She looks up at me, before I sigh. 

"Babe... I just..." I start, before my mind blanks again. "This just sounds crazy..." I say, cringing at my own words. She exhales, crossing her arms in front of her and leaning back into the couch. She's upset with me, and it's obvious. "Faith, how am I supposed to react to something like that?" I reply, my tone sounding more argumentative than I intended. She stands up quickly, starting toward the door. I panic, knowing I need to say something wise now. "Faith..." I call, causing her to stop in her place. "At least tell me what you saw." I ask, hoping that'll help me rationalize it. She turns around, her arms still firmly crossed. 

"I don't think I should." She says, making me laugh. She rolls her eyes, before shutting them. "If it is true, then I don't want you looking over your shoulder every twenty seconds like you can prevent it. If it's not true, then I guess we'll just go on, business as usual." She explains, sounding fairly rational about the irrational idea. "Now you being an asshole about it doesn't help. I was skeptical at first, but now I'm terrified, and it doesn't help that you're sitting there laughing at me." She argues back, making my chest hurt. I look down at the ground, before standing up and walking toward her. 

"Faith, I'm sorry." I apologize, feeling bad for making a joke out of it. I can see her eyes welling up, before I walk over and wrap my arms around her. She rests her cheek against my chest, feeling tense all over. "I can tell you're upset about this, and I shouldn't have laughed." I say, rubbing her back slowly. She pulls back a little, before exhaling. She places her hands on my chest, looking down at them. 

"I get shot..." Her voice rasps, making me cringe. I stare at her, as her eyes look toward the vanity, unable to look at me. "Always in the head, always in front of the kids, always away from you..." She says, as tears force their way out. The idea seems so vulgar to me, and puts so many questions in my head. 

"And you've seen the same thing how many times?" I ask quietly, like it's a secret between us. She winces, before  Shutting her eyes. 

"Every night since you've moved back in." She says, making me feel numb. Why wouldn't she have told me earlier? That's like four months that's passed... "I just... I don't want that to make you feel the urge to be there every second to protect me, because I've seen time and time again that you just can't, and it's not worth the worry." She rambles, making me narrow my eyes. 

"Not worth the worry?" I release, watching her cringe. 

"That's not what I--" She begins.

"Losing you is not worth the worry? Are you fucking kidding me?" I continue, as she tries to talk over me. "Faith, I've never once lied to you about the fact that moving on after losing you would kill me... I've never sugarcoated it. Losing you would hurt like hell, and there wouldn't be a goddamn second where I wouldn't think about what I could've done to save you. You are everything to me, and I know that you've never understood that, and that's fine, but don't tell me that stressing over protecting you isn't worth the worry, because it is." I begin to argue, feeling a surge of anger hit. She winces at my words, opening her mouth to speak, before I continue. "You don't get just how much you control me... You don't get how aimless I am without your guidance. I do everything I do for you... I make music for you, I had kids for you, I breathe for you... You are the reason I'm still here, Faith." I continue to run on, as she shuts her eyes. 

"Are you going to let me speak, or are you just going to keep talking over me?" She spits out real quick, anger in her voice. I sigh, motioning her to speak. "I didn't mean it. It came out wrong." She justifies in short, while I narrow my eyes. 

"You can't tell me that you didn't mean what you said, because you do mean it. You constantly do this, Faith." I say, feeling like this is something I really haven't spoken up about before. She narrows her eyes in response. 

"What are you talking about?" She asks, raising her voice. 

"You downplay this! You play it off like it's a fling, and then you have brief moments that you realize it's so much more after you leave." I spit out, watching her roll her eyes again. "Tell me that's not the case." 

"It's not the case!" She shouts back, frustration showing in the hives on her chest. "I sold my fucking soul for you... I stayed in an abusive relationship for you... I risked losing my kids, for you..."

"Oh, please..." I comment as she talks over me

"Don't try to play this like I'm the one controlling this, because I'm not. I've been blindly following you down through the fucking trenches, Tim, and the fact that you try to patronize me for not seeing your struggle and your devotion is frankly bullshit." She argues, while I stare back at her. 

"You still don't get it, Faith." I continue to argue the point, while she shakes her head, appearing over the argument. 

"What I don't get is how you can say something like that... that you breathe for me... You wouldn't even sober up for me, Tim. You can say all the pretty words in the world, but that doesn't make them true." She shouts, while I look down at her clenched hands. 

"I did." I release, while she rolls her eyes, thinking I'm bullshitting her again. "Rehab didn't work, Faith. I quit after seeing you with the shrink." I state firmly, seeing her freeze. She pants slowly, blinking a few times as she processes this. "I was using while there... Hell, I was high when you came in, and I stopped because of the things you said... haven't touched it since." I admit, before seeing her rub her forehead.

"I get the influence I have on you... I know how much you depend on me. You don't have a damn clue about what you've put me through. I don't need you to stand there like a goddamn hypocrite, waiting for some kind of applause." She continues to argue, making me feel exhausted. 

"What I've put you through?" I remark, before immediately regretting it. I know I've put her through a lot... She stands still, her jaw clenched tightly along with her fists. She turns toward the door, starting to storm off. "Faith, come on..." I release, following her out into the hall. "Babe, I'm sorry..." I continue, jogging a bit to catch up.  I grab onto her arm, causing her to turn around and punch my chest a couple times. 

"Get your fucking hands off me." She spews, before pushing me back and continuing to march away. I stop following her, before something urges me toward her again. I follow far behind her, as crowds of people cross between us. I see her usher the girls out of the green room and toward the doors to the back lot. 

"Shit!" A server shouts, running into me with a tray of mojitos. I shuts my eyes, feeling my left side soak with alcohol. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry." He begins to apologize, handing me napkins. I take them willingly patting down the spill, before realizing it's useless. 

"It's fine." I reply, before looking back down the hall. 

She's already disappeared...