Dear Internet

May Fourth, 2018

Dear internet,

Today was Star Wars day, so the usually impossibly shitty problems of high school were slightly better because I got to carry a lightsaber around. I don't think a lot of other people celebrate my high holiday of "May the Fourth Be With You," but that will never stop me from showing up to school decked out. Out of all the countless loathsome traits I possess, I don't think my general nerd enthusiasm is one of them. 

Probably the best thing that happened today was that, when I walked into Latin class, I yelled out "Happy Star Wars Day!" and swung my lightsaber through the air revealing a striking red plastic blade.  This, believe it or not, was not my idea, but Seth's. Because he sits behind me in math, he got a sneak peak of my shenanigans during 1st hour and said that he would really appreciate it if I made an entrance. 

And I did.

Twice. 

The first time was genuine, the second time was a social media stunt. Two kids in the class, Jacob and Emmery, thought it was worthy of going on their respective snapchat stories so (because I'm exceedingly nice and honored their request) I picked up my backpack and redonned my lightsaber and exited the room only to return on cue with the phone cameras rolling.

That was kinda cool I suppose. 

It could have been worse... I could have been bullied or something. Maybe gotten in another encounter with Bella 1 about Toxic Masculinity or some other bull shit, but I didn't. I worked on my group presentation today in Earth Science while barrelling through a bag of Dum-Dums left over from Kelly's Spanish class. I made a few jokes that no one heard or if they did they didn't feel so inclined as to validate my absolutely fantastic sense of humor with a laugh. Either way, I don't really care. 

Let's see.. what else?

OH! That's right, I did something completely fucking stupid.

This guy who I very much like (either way you took the word like in this case works because your guess is as good as mine with that fiasco) named Will has 5th hour physics and every day, I walk in the opposite direction of the one that's preferred for a timely escape from the cinderblock educational prison that is my high school just so I can run into him. I do it every. fucking. day.

But today was especially important because today was Star Wars day and Will, like myself, is a very passionate Star Wars enthusiast. He even cosplayed as Kylo Ren to the showing of the Last Jedi. However, Will also celebrates the High Holiday of Flannel Friday, for which he wears the same red flannel every single time regardless of the variety of flannels he owns. 

I was hoping that today would be an exception to the flannel rule, but alas, I was mistaken. I briefly chastised him for it, but I gave up because he is not one to yield on arguments, no matter the severity.  So we walked together. He showed me a picture of the poster of Obama in the math wing that someone had expertly drawn a communist Russia hat on and then I told him his spelling of Russian curse words was incorrect and yeah pretty mundane stuff. 

In case you haven't picked up on this, I am dragging out the simple things of no significance to avoid confessing what happens next, which was us being joined by a third party, Bridget. 

Now I don't consciously have anything against Bridget, in fact, we get along pretty well, but I also have several anxiety disorders. This means I see other people as social competition because I don't view myself as interesting and worthy of other peoples time, so I immediately recognize when a  third, cooler person joins the scenario, I become obsolete. 

(that's an automatic negative thought which I'm supposed to be working on but no one is going to read this so who the fuck cares)

So I continued to walk with them even though there was no reason too. Even though it was out of my way and in the opposite direction of my house. Even though the conversation had since moved on to other things. Even though I didn't have any business still being there.

Why?

Because Will is really cool and I'm... well I'm me. I like Will, he's funny and smart and really nice to people and way WAAAAAY too good to be associating with the likes of me. So when he does,  I get clingy. I have to hold on to those few seconds where it feels like I actually might matter to him, like he actually might think about me or something. And I need that because no one thinks about me. My day to day doesn't really make a difference to anyone. 

Now I don't mean this in a bad way, just in a "the minute details of existence that I look forward to seeing in other people every day don't really affect the people who notice them (which they rarely do) the way that other people's little quirks make me happy" kind of way.

Today Abby wore these really kick-ass pants. They were awesome and had a bold print and they made me smile.

Ms. K  actually waited to flip her calendar from April to May because she knows I like to do it. 

Jacob was wearing a Gucci belt today and I thought "Where the fuck does he get the money for a brand name belt that serves its purpose just as well as a $4.00 Wal-Mart watch or Hell, even a shoelace in a pinch, but costs 50 times more?"

It's the little things.

So Will... when he says he likes my dumb t-shirt or laughs at something I say or acknowledges my existence

Well, my whole day gets better.  Because maybe it means people do notice, maybe people do think my fun socks are fun, or my trivia knowledge is interesting, or that I asked a good question in class. Maybe I'm not so insignificant after all.

Anyway, I haven't eaten all day and my parents and brother are gone because my brother has a band concert so I'm going to make way to much nachos and listen to bad music while loudly scream-singing off key even though I don't know the words. 

Tomorrow is another day.