The Zee Brothers: Pests B' Gone

I. Training Day

"Now, I'm telling ya," Burt pointed into the crawlspace, "mice can kill a man. Well, mouse crap can kill you, if you breathe it in. No, I'm not talking about doing a line of it either, I mean just breathing it in when you're working in tight spaces like that. Mr. Lancome really wants me to show you how to do this job right. He's had a lot of trouble with his last few employees. Keeps having to fire 'em."

Aside from the bathroom light above them, there was little to no illumination below. Jonah could only see a broken wooden mousetrap and the telltale black football-shaped droppings of mice.

"Now," Burt continued. "Pests B' Gone's regulations state you must always wear proper res-pear-atory protection. You can either wear one of them paper masks they put in with your shirts, or do like I do and," he held a small translucent candy between his teeth and continued to talk. "Ya kin keep one uh tees," he sucked it back in, "menthol cough drops in your mouth, and breathe in that instead. It's the smell that gets you, after all."

Jonah and Judas shared a glance.

"I don't think that's how it works," Judas said.

Burt cocked his head away from the hole to look at Judas. "It'll also keep your nose from itching when you're spraying the poisons. Now, let's get down there. Turn your lights on!"

The brothers shook their heads and each put on the small paper masks the company had provided.

"It's a job." Jonah shrugged.

Jonah dropped through the hole after Burt but didn't move out of the way in time to allow room for Judas. "Ow!" he shouted as his brother stepped directly on top of him. "Dammit Judas, wait a moment!"

"Sorry," Judas pulled himself back out of the hole and waited until Jonah was completely out of sight.

In the dark space underneath the home of Mr. & Mrs. Olson, their lights bounced from corner to corner, inspecting the space. Burt pointed to a spot where water pooled atop the black plastic ground barrier.

"See there, we'll need to set traps all around that. There's a drip coming from the pipe above. Judas, take your bag of traps over dere." Burt shifted the cough drop in his mouth and took a deep breath.

"Ok, Burt," Judas said and crawled toward the water.

"Now, Jonah," Burt continued, "crawl around the perimeter and look for places where the plastic is loose, or where there are piles of mouse dung. That's gonna be where they've got their burrows. Find the opening and set traps around it. Just be caref—"

"Ahh!" A cry came from Judas, and both Jonah and Burt turned their heads and lights in his direction.

"What is it, Judas?" Jonah called out.

Their lights showed Judas on his side, one of his arms appearing to disappear into the ground.

He sat up, pulling his arm free. "The ground gave way, and I fell into some kinda hole. The earth just crumbled when I put my hand there." He lifted his mask and spat a black stream of tobacco into the hole.

"You okay?" Jonah asked.

"Yeah, just scared me a little."

Burt spoke up. "That's what I was trying to tell ya. Be careful of spots where the ground has been hollowed out by their tunnels. It'll collapse right out from under you. Usually not too deep, but enough to give you quite a start."

"You're telling me," Judas said as he continued his way to the pool of water.

A few minutes later, their traps set, they met by the crawlspace opening.

"So that's it?" Jonah asked.

"Yep, we return in a week and do a check. Replace any traps that have caught something and keep going."

"This seems pretty easy," Judas said. "And almost better than flipping burgers."

"It's a dirty job and sometimes kinda gross, but every home's got some sort of pest that needs dealing with. There's always plenty of work for us exterminators."

They climbed out of the crawlspace and back into the tiny bathroom. Burt was the last one out, leaving the small wooden hatch wide open.

"What's the craziest thing you've ever been asked to exterminate?" Judas asked him as he stepped out into the hallway.

"Oh, heh-heh," Burt laughed and scratched the whiskers on his chin. "I've seen some truly crazy stuff. A basement full of badgers, a fallout shelter that had flooded and was full of fish. That was mostly catch and release stuff though. Return them to the wild. Had a hot tub once with over a dozen frogs living in it."

Judas laughed. "Think we'll see anything that crazy?"

"There's no telling what the next call will bring in. Speaking of, let's load up and get to the next job."

Jonah spied the open crawlspace door and pointed. "Should we close that?"

Burt glanced back. "Oh yeah! Good idea. I'm always forgetting that and homeowners hate it. The last thing you want is a mouse getting out and scaring the lady of the house!" He turned back and shut it.

"Is there anything we don't exterminate?" Judas asked.

"Oh yeah," Burt nodded, his cheeks flushing. "Vampires, zombies, pretty much anything that's already supposed to be dead and uh... I was once asked by an upset wife if I'd exterminate her cheating husband. Definitely a no-no."

"Really?" Judas asked.

"Yeah." Burt led them down the hall to the front door. "She was furious. She'd found hundreds of messages on his computer and stuff."

"What'd you tell her?"

"Told her no. We don't deal with that kind of problem. She asked me who did and, while I've got many cards in my wallet for other kinds of exterminators, I don't have any for hitmen. Then she asked me if I would sell her some rat poison." Burt shook his head.

"Whoa!" Jonah exclaimed. "She was seriously pissed."

They walked out to Burt's small truck.

Judas, biting his lip and scrunching his face, peered at Jonah, then asked Burt, "So did you?"

Burt stopped, pinching the cough drop in his teeth and stared at Judas. "Did I sell her some rat poison? No, I suggested she call a lawyer." He shook his head.

Judas lowered his own and muttered. "Sorry, I was only curious."

Jonah walked up beside him and smacked him upside the back of his skull.

"Ow!"

"I did help her out though," Burt said as he opened his door. "I told her to mix saltpeter in with his breakfast. It's a mineral that cause's a man to have trouble getting an erection. Kinda hard to cheat if you can't get it up."

Both Judas and Jonah laughed at this.

"I thought that was just an urban legend," Jonah said.

"I don't know, but a few weeks later, I received a $200 tip in the mail from her."

The brothers' week of training for Pests B' Gone continued as they shadowed Burt, learning the ins and outs of pest control. After a couple of weeks, they were given their own trucks and they worked separately and occasionally together on larger jobs.

Their last job for Pests B' Gone was one of these group jobs.