Gazers Among the Gods

Kova

Uncertainty settled in my stomach. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh, cry, or scream. Maybe scream. This couldn't be happening. There was no way she really wasn't dead. I stumbled, my hands gripping the chair beside me to stop me from going down.

Olyvk rushed forward, offering me a hand, but I ignored it.

"What are you talking about." My voice remained steady, much more calm than I felt.

"You must understand, we had to lie to you. You know I never wanted that, I never wanted to lie to you but I had to. We had to."

He was gripping my hands, his eyes desperately searching mine. But I didn't see him. I saw my mother when I was five, chasing me around the cramped apartment. I saw her setting down the plateful of greens before me, her eyes raised expectantly. I saw her image raised before a crackling fire, burning embers in a symbol of her constant light. I remembered all the people who passed me for months after her burial ritual, telling me what a loss her life had been for them. When they didn't even know the half of it.

"Why are you doing this." The words leave my mouth in a whisper.

"Kova, your mother isn't who you thought she was. I'm not who you thought I was," he said. The words stung on my ears, where was this all coming from. If that were true, what was the point? Why would they have lied to me all those years. If my mother was alive why would she have left without a word. Why would she have stood by for the past 14 years without saying a word to me. Would she really do that?

I brushed the back of my hand against my watering eyes.

"Fine, tell me what you came here to say. I'll decide whether or not I believe it after." My voice sounded thick and swollen.

Olyvk nodded, pulling a chair from the dining table to oppose mine. It took him a moment to start, a deep breath in, then he told me the story that would change my life.

"A little over twenty years ago, your mother, Tahlia-"

"My mother's name was not Tahlia."

"Don't interrupt until I am finished," he warned, raising his eyebrow. I grumbled a slur of nonsensical words and let him continue.

"Your mother, Tahlia, came to this planet to take a break from her day-to-day realities. She wanted to get away from her responsibilities. A year later she had you, a mistake. Not saying she wasn't grateful for having you, but it was not what she had planned, and she should've been more careful. A few years later this began happening in the universe, cold winters stayed and wouldn't leave, the seasons were out of balance and couldn't easily be fixed. I came to visit a lot back then, seeking her council, but there wasn't anything we could do without her help. She had to make a choice, a choice for the betterment of the system, the continuing benefit of the galaxy. She had to choose between you and the fate of our worlds. She chose to leave you behind in the company of your father and give you the only lie that would leave you safe. She never intended to hurt you with the belief that she was dead, but it was the only way to keep you safe." He paused, his eyes finding mine again. I could feel an itch growing behind my ear, willing me to ease it. My head felt like it was pulling itself through sludge, trying to find an exit, trying to make sense of this story.

"My mother's name was not Tahlia." I say again. My surroundings blurred, coming in and out of focus. That was the only fact I could focus on, at least for now. Her name was Pairie, nowhere near Tahlia. I licked my lips. Why wasn't Olyvk saying anything.

"Why would it be her responsibility if the seasons weren't changing." I stated it as a fact, not a question. There wasn't any answer I wanted to hear back from him, because none would make sense. No answer would change the fact that she left us, she left me.