Sassing Death

So, Death, huh?

"You're early," says Death, staring you straight on.

You can't help but to ogle at the being before you and it's everything you thought Death would be: black cloak, concealed face, deadly scythe. What you didn't expect is for him to sound so... normal. Like a guy you'd hang out with at a bar on a Tuesday afternoon.

"Yeah," you reply, "accident, didn't see it coming."

Death sighs. "Yep, and neither did I apparently."

You both start to walk along a dark stretch of nonexistent road leading to some invisible destination ahead. You know you have so many questions to ask Death, but you also know Death probably doesn't want to become besties with some recently deceased mortal. But the need is too great.

You open your mouth... and promptly shut it. You open it again. Shut it again.

"Oh just ask the fucking question already!" he snaps.

You're a bit offended by his response, but let it slide, there's no way you were going to sass back at Death.

"What does ---,"

Death sighs again. "If you ask me 'what does it all mean' I swear I'm going to drop kick you into some abyss. I can't tell you how many of you mortals ask me that question, it's like you don't know anything about the afterlife."

You want to reply that of course none of you knows about the afterlife, that's why he gets that question a lot; but you aren't going to sass Death. So you reconsider your question.

"What's with the scythe? Do you think it makes you look like a badass?"

What did you just say about sassing?

He holds it out as if seeing it for the first time.

"Yeah kinda, but that's not the only reason. It's to protect you fragile mortal beings while I escort you to your assigned destination."

"You mean the happy place or the place no one wants to talk about?"

"Yep."

You continue to walk along, but you have to know more.

"So, where am I going... Wait! Protect us from what?!"

You look around in panic, expecting some horrifying beast to jump out of the darkness and snatch you for their next meal.

If Death could smile sadistically, you're pretty sure he is now as he turns to face you, holding his scythe out menacingly.

"Just the usual demonic monsters prowling the area looking for fresh meat."

The look of horror on your face must be comical for Death chuckles as you both continue along the path.

"Yeah, but I can't die twice, can I?"

"No, no, no, or course not..."

You breathe a sigh of relief, at least that's one good thing.

"...Something far worse would happen to you."

He says nothing more on the subject, making you far more paranoid than you were before. So, to keep yourself from going down a dark hole of thoughts, you return to your original question.

"You didn't tell me where we're going. Am I going to the good place?"

"The good place where it's dreadfully boring? Yeah, you're going there."

You breathe another sigh of relief as you continue your journey. The end of the road is bathed in white, warm light, and you know you've reached your final destination.

"Here you are, an eternity of ass-kissers, prissys, and assistant managers."

You frown, not belonging to any of those categories, but happy to be there nonetheless.

"Well, thanks for doing your job, Death." 

You inwardly cringe as you realize you've once again sassed the ancient being.

Death grumbles, walking away. "Fucking mortals..."