Conflict of Interest

Chapter Forty Five

"You should have taken mine."

"I know I should have."

"It's okay, though," she quietly let me know. "I'm not mad about it anymore."

"It's not okay," I said. "You should be mad. You have every right in the world to be mad, Grace, you don't deserve this. Any of this. I am so, so sorry."

"Kim, it was one argument. It's okay."

"It wasn't just one argument."

"Okay, I know she and I don't really get along..."

"It's more than that, Grace."

"Okay, I get it, we hate each other, but that's not really your fault, not entirely--"

"Grace," I cut her off, just wishing she'd make the confession quick and easy, sudden and deafening like a gunshot, then mercifully over. "I slept with her."

It was one of those images you wish you could unsee. I tried to think back to a time where I'd caused someone this much pain, and came up completely empty. My mind ran. The longer I looked at Grace, the more I hated who I'd become. There had been a day when I came home every night proud of what I did. My job was to make people feel safe, to protect them and assuage their fears. Now, I had someone so close to me, I'd taken her greatest fear, and I'd actualized it. How could I? And how could I ever face myself again?

"Oh my God," Grace whispered, unable to meet my eyes, which worked out because I couldn't meet hers either.

"Grace, I--"

"I will kill her."

"This isn't her fault, Grace," I said. "She didn't want to do this to you--"

"She didn't want to? It takes two people, Kim!"

"Then why are you putting all the blame on one? If you're going to hate someone, hate me. I'm the one who cheated."

"She's been planning this, Kim! This is what she's wanted since the day you met her. And you walked right into it. She set a trap and you fell."

"There was no trap," I tried reasoning. "It just happened. We didn't mean for it to--"

"You know what, no. You don't get to explain yourself this time. I don't want to hear it. You fucked up, big time, and you don't get to say anything to make me think otherwise."

"Okay," I acquiesced. "I fucked up."

"You know, you always said you couldn't commit, but I had more faith in you than that. I really thought you'd changed for me. I was so, so wrong. You never changed and you never could."

It was difficult not to jump to my own defense. Well if I told you so in the first place, why couldn't you just believe me? But what had happened here wasn't the same as the disclaimer I'd put on our relationship when it had begun. When I'd told her I couldn't commit, I was talking about sleeping around. What I was doing now was so much more than sleeping around, in a way she'd never understand, and in a way I didn't want her to know. This wasn't about the sex, as we were both making it out to be. But framing it as though it was made it easier on both of us.

"I'm so sorry, Grace."

"Fuck you."

"I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now, but there are some things we should discuss--"

"Are you fucking shitting me?"

"I just," I began, looked at a different wall, bit my lip. "The division of the assets, and stuff..."