As I cry I can't help but wonder if I've felt my parents love, maybe I have, in a very wicked way and as time passed and they're inexperience lead them to act how they did it made me perceive that the love I received from them was from the things I got from them, and then I wonder if what I feel for them is really love, and not a need as I'm dependent of their money, and I have known that I "love" my dad more since I need him more, he's the one who brings money to the table, and my mom never really doubted that if she had to choose she'd preferred to act as a wife more than a mother, reason why I don't really confide in her or ask for advices... she would know too much info and she would sell me to my dad leaving me alone with the punishment that said secret didn't actually deserve.
I feel anxious a lot of times, and when I seek of support, affirmation that I can do what I'm about to do, they manipulate me to drop it... as I'm not good enough... where can I get self confidence and self-love of this repeats often?
I've lost two important presences in my live since apparently I'm not capable enough to be responsible of them.
I need professional help.
Is the moment I'm not money dependent of them the moment I won't care about them? Will I actually start to love them the right way or will I just put them aside as I don't need them anymore?
Those thoughts scares me and hurts me because I want parents that are willing to teach me and advice me when I need advices, to listen to me without judging me or punishing me.
Why am I so afraid?
I'm spoiled... now I can see the meaning of that word, I'm damaged in a way that it's convenient for them... as I feel that their love is expressed by material things, how am I supposed to tell them that this is wrong, that this isn't the way to raise someone, when I'm so afraid of losing my accommodations, as I'm "spoiled"... I don't dare to do so.
Why couldn't I have a mom that wanted to be more of a mother than a wife? Maybe then she would have made my father see reason about how messed up his theory of love has affected us, I shouldn't worry about him not buying me a pizza, or pastries, or whatever he wanted, as long as I had his affection and wisdom besides me... but sadly for me it's not like that.
His words of wisdom are very superficial, he tells me there is a path, I know there is a path without him telling me! What I need it's advices as how to cross that path! At least how to start... but he doesn't tell me that, he only tells me "hey, you have to cross that" no shit Sherlock.
My mom doesn't even really gives advices.
After I started to get my periods and start growing as a little lady, there was pubic hair growing, as it should happen naturally. I didn't know what to do with that, so I let it be, I didn't say anything to my mom as I was ashamed of it until one day we were invited to go onto my parents friend's yacht to the beach and I didn't want to go, the hairs were too long and it would peek out my swimsuit. When my parents noticed this my dad was mad at my mom for not paying attention to me through my growth period, and she was mad at me for not telling her and getting scolded "because of me".
They still made me go to that trip, with hairs peeking out my swimsuit.
When we got back she taught me, one time, how to shave my bikini area... you can all imagine how many scars I have down there for all the times after that one time explanation, ingrown hairs are a pain and the irritation is not any better.
But thanks to them I travelled and had an easier life than other people... but why do I feel so empty? Is it really so wrong to feel like this? I'm not ungrateful, one of the main reasons I still do whatever they want me to do is because I feel grateful, they've worked hard to get where they are, they are working even harder now, because of the situation of the country we love in... but i still feel this sad feeling.
I'm depressed.
I need professional help.
And they know it.
