Tragedy | xxxtentacion

Chapter 4

" I will never judge you by what you think, sometimes I stare at you and I think. I think about the way be got together. The heartfelt struggles we both fought just to become who we are today. Till this day I think about the days I cried, the days the numbness took over and every thought I had was about you. Do you know the worst thought I had while away from you?"  Jahseh explained.

I, again, felt tears rolling down my face.

" what was your worst thought jahseh?" I asked him as I choked from my sobbing.

" the hurt I felt, knowing you were sleeping with Tyler when you left my house. Just the thought of his made me scream and cry in pain. I even had dreams, more close to nightmares, of you having sex with him." jahseh continued.

Both of us went silent for a moment.

" this isn't the first time I've caught you staring at me, now please, scarlet, tell me what your thinking."

Wiping my tears away and calming myself down, I finally confessed.

" every time I look at you jahseh, I think about the things I missed on while messing Tyler. You have showed me things I've never noticed, the time we met up a day after the house party. I told you about Tyler and the way he was treating me. You were the one to tell me to leave him, it took a while but, you opened my eyes to the abuse he was doing to me. You are the only person to ever make me feel wanted, protected, loved. When Tyler put his hands on me, you instantly wanted to kill him. The same thing you did today, wanting to kill that cashier. I stare at you and I think about the small things you've done for me. But its not just that. Your looks, your beauty. Its different from the rest of the men I've seen on the street. Your like no other jahseh, it's like god made you specifically different than every single person on earth. That's what I'm thinking."  I confessed.

I felt massive weight released off my shoulders, I feel like I can finally breath. I didn't even realize I was keeping so much in.

" and I still want to kill him for touching you, and that cashier. Now you're making me see things I've never noticed. I've never seen myself as beautiful, I only see myself as ugly but in the inside. There have been things I I have committed. Some dark, some not as worse as others. I deeply regret them. Right now, I don't have the courage to tell you the horrible shit, I've done."

I was put back by his words, I know he's got into fights, attempted to kill someone at a young age. But what could be worse than that.

"Jahseh, you can't see yourself in that way. Every one has done something wrong in there lives but that isn't a reason to-."

" No! scarlet, you don't understand. I'm a piece of shit. I've said and done things to people I love, pushing them all away from me. I have had another mans blood on my hands scarlet. I am ugly."

I would give it up, but I love this man to much.

" You may not see but I do. I see something much deeper than the piece of shit you see yourself as." I said look deep into his eyes, that shimmered with tears.

It had been the longest since I've seen him cry.

Jahseh suddenly started the car and bent down, placing his head on the steering wheel.

" You may not see it yet. You will but I don't know when. I will tell you this though, I need you to change me." he whispered softly but I could still hear him.

He pressed the gas and got back on the road.

We didn't say anything to each other until we got home. Jahseh pulled into the garage and we both got out the car. I checked the time on my phone and noticed it was 2:00 in the morning. If we don't go to sleep now, we won't get up tomorrow till the afternoon. I was pushed out of my thoughts when Jahseh yelling from upstairs.

" I'll take a shower in the guest room so you can get the main bathroom." He said while walking towards the guest room with a towel and clothes with him.

I went up stairs to our room and started my water, I let the water get hot, I mean extra hot, before I got in it. After finally finishing my shower, I put my clothes on and jumped into bed. Jahseh had already beat me to it and was fast asleep already. Snoring and everything. It was actually really cute.

I wrapped the comforter around me and snuggled deeper in to Jahseh's chest. His slow and calm breathing, was just enough to relax me. I placed my hand on his chest and felt myself slowly start to fall into a deep sleep.

Jahseh and me have so much to learn about each other. Our past will soon be told but for now, they are confined deep in our hearts and minds. Not yet ready to be told.

That was the last thought I had before falling into a peaceful yet also restless sleep.