Dark Night

Unsettled summer

It started when the skaters at the rink started to work on their new programs; for the first time John wasn't and it really hit him what he was giving up. I recognized encroaching depression; his primary comforting, comfortable routine had been stripped away and his peers in that world were leaving him behind as they focused on the sport again. I was having some trouble dealing with the uncertainty of life at college just from losing my protective high school cocoon and here he was losing two very important support structures. Not only was his routine gone but also his social and professional network, the common bond between some of the world's best skaters. I suspected he was in for a harder time once he realized that the thrill of competition was also gone. And he did have a pretty big ego, no matter how carefully he managed it; he'd enjoyed being an elite skater and medalist and his accomplishments were many. What that meant on a personal level was that we didn't spend as much time together as I wanted. We didn't go into San Francisco as much, even to the park; we hung around locally more. This was ok, I just liked to spend time with him, but that got to be a harder achievement as he withdrew into himself. It was kind of hard sledding.

But if I was worried, so were his parents. Paul told me that they had John under close surveillance, also informed by many of the same resources I'd read as well as doubtless others, and it wasn't long before they took him to a therapist. He went without complaint; he didn't want to mess up his life and he was trained to overcome obstacles, not submit to them. I worried and did my share of hand-wringing, but surprisingly it was Stan who set me straight, pointing out that John was the one who had to make the adjustment. I could support him but I couldn't do it for him any more than his parents could or his brother. John's mental state hit his brother hard too; John's struggles meant that he wasn't the confident, fun big brother he was used to. John wasn't as outgoing as Paul was, but the relationship between the brothers was deep and open. Now there were barriers and it was upsetting to Paul. I could sympathize with him, having learned how to deal with being left behind by my brother and helped him acclimate. It helped to remind him that there would have been changes in any case when John went to college and there were more in store when Paul went too. We talked about his sophomore year and what he wanted to achieve there, the classes he wanted to take and activities he wanted to try. It took some time before he admitted his real fear, that John was going to leave him behind when he went to college.

He was a little startled when I punched his arm. "You're smarter than that," I said mildly. "There's going to be physical distance between you, sure, but you're his brother. Once he gets his feet back under him you know he'll still keep in touch and you'll be sharing your lives. He'll want to know what you're doing and he'll want to share his experiences too." I gentled my tone and sighed. "It's a lot of change is all, and change is scary. He's not leaving you behind." Paul didn't say anything but he did lean against me for awhile.

Naomi got back from her first year at UCLA at the end of June and hunted me up. She was so enthusiastic about her first year studying for her BA in film and tv studies; she wanted to get into cinematography. She listened to my concerns and nerves, and reminded me that I wasn't going to be alone down there, that she'd be delighted to answer questions and help me settle in. She said that although it seemed like a huge change, it didn't actually take her that long to feel at home, which was a relief. 

After the Fourth of July celebrations, I was surprised the next day when John turned up on my doorstep, unplanned. I was pleased to see him, but he wouldn't come in. "My folks want me to see a different therapist who specializes in sport psychology," he said, sounding down. "The psychologist is in LA. I'm moving down early, staying with my grandparents, try to get a grip on this before school. I can't handle the thought that I'm not going to be prepared to start school, Leia."  I reassured him; school didn't start til the end of September, he had almost three months. "I know this is risky," he said, sounding fatigued. He wouldn't meet my eyes. "But I want you to feel free to go out and have fun. I just don't have the energy to give you the attention you deserve."

"I'm not asking for a commitment, John," I said tightly. "I want to support you. Don't push me away now."

"I don't want to dump you," he said. "I just need to focus on finding my way now that all the structure is gone out of my life. I need your friendship but I don't want to drag you down with me. And we're going to be in different cities. A long-distance relationship isn't fair to you." So I got a grip on my emotions and cycled through the reading I'd done. I knew that relationships were often casualties during the bumpy reentry that athletes had.

"Ok," I said, keeping my voice steady. "Keep in touch and let me know if you need anything." I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. He hadn't shaved that day and his skin was prickly. He offered me a half-hearted smile, went down to his car, and drove away.

Grandpa gave me some space to be upset, then a couple days later sat me down to talk about it. Surprisingly, he didn't think it wa a bad idea, saying that you're only a freshman in college once, and I should enjoy everything that college had to offer. I was inclined to be offended, then rethought my position. If we were meant to be, we would be. And Paul, also to my surprise, urged me to have fun over the summer and not to worry about John. It was his turn to reassure me, pointing out that John had a lot to deal with and that he still wanted and needed my friendship. I told him what Grandpa said and he agreed.  John, once he got settled in with his grandparents, got in touch and I proposed to lighten the pressure farther, saying that I was looking forward to being on campus with him but that we should go back to being friends for a quarter, then revisit things. That would give us both time to experience new things. He agreed, sounding relieved.

"You're my best friend, Leia, and I don't want to lose that," he said. "The psychiatrist says that it could take as much as a year or two to get used to not skating and what that entails."

"Ok," I said slowly. "One quarter as friends, a reassessment, then the option to extend the agreement quarter by quarter." So that was what we agreed to.

I was determined not to mope and made my friends go around the area and into San Francisco with me so I could see things I hadn't yet, including a more thorough exploration of the park. I avoided the romantic places and had a good time.