it feels so weird because i feel like i am out of control, but everything feels okay at the same time. it scares me that i don't really care anymore. it bothers me, things bother me, but i don't care enough to change them. it feels extra weird. i feel dead. don't wanna feel like that, but also don't wanna feel too much. i am just a mess, as soon as i start feeling, i panic, and think of a way to bury and kill all these feelings, because once you start having feelings, you start being vulnerable. and i can't get that right balance of feeling and numbness. then, i complain about feeling too numb and dead. do i know what i want?
