Gasping and covered in sweat is how I woke up. The surrounding dark was no comfort and I unwillingly sobbed into my hands before getting a grip of myself. It must be the middle of the night and Ben was still passed out. My breathing was heavy and I drew back the bunk curtain and got out, gulping back air like it was water and I had been deprived for days.
There was a russling and movent from one of the bunks and I looked behind me at the dark figure. "Ashlyn, is that you?" I sighed with relief realising it was only Sam. "Yeah, Sam." I said and pushed past him to the small kitchen. Hurriedly, I swiped the half bottle of whiskey from the bench and took a big swig.
Sam had followed me and looked to me questioningly. "You alright?" He asked and I simply nodded. Of course I was. Nothing a little alcohol couldn't at least temporarily solve.
"It's three in the morning, go back to sleep." He yawned and I felt bad for waking him. "I can't." I replied, taking another sip of the liquid that burned my throat. The feeling was hot but I needed it, I needed to feel the harsh taste in the back of my throat, I needed to know that this was real.
Sam frowned and followed me to sit on the lounge. "What were you dreaming about?" He asked finally, clearing the peaceful silence. I swallowed back the growing lump in my throat. I should tell Ben before anyone else. I shook my head and faked a small laugh. "I dreamt that the bus crashed." I lied and he was so sleepy, I think he bought it. "Well it won't, so go back to sleep." He ruffled my already messy hair and wandered back to the bunks.
As silence fell over the bus, I sat down at the table and poured myself another shot. How much longer could I keep this up? The dreams kept getting more vivid and real and it made me wonder just how screwed up I truly was in the head. I don't know how long it was or how many more shots I had before I eventually passed out.
I woke up to Ben's worried voice beside me. "Babe, wake up. What are you doing out here?" I pried open my weary eyes and looked around. It was daylight and Danny was sitting across from me, his eyes focused on me alone. Ben was beside me, his hand rubbing my back lightly. "Did you finish this all by yourself?" He asked, showing me the empty bottle from last night. My head was pounding and I nodded. Suddenly, my stomach lurched and I pushed Ben out of the way as I ran to the bathroom. I only just made it in time before I was sick into the toilet. I heard Ben follow not long after and he held back my hair for me as sweat dripped down my forehead.
"You done?" He asked quietly and I didn't reply, only stood up and quickly brushed my teeth. Ben left and once I'd cleaned myself up, I went back to the kitchen to find he'd made me some dry toast and a cup of tea. "Thank you." I said flatly, resting my head against the back of the chair and closing my eyes.
"Tell me what's wrong. I need to know."
I sat and stared at the table for a moment, wondering if telling him was the right thing to do. Ben snaked an arm around my shoulder comfortingly and I looked up at his big eyes and got lost.
"I have these nightmares." I explained quietly, feeling Danny and Cameron's eyes on me also from a distance. "About what?" He asked and I sucked in a deep breath. "When I was younger, our house got broken into. He uh-" My palms began to sweat and I swallowed hard, feeling a lump form in the back of my throat.
Ben began rubbing small circles into my skin and I took in another deep breath. "He killed them." I sat still and waited for something, but Ben only pulled me closer and kissed my temple. "I had to take Emily away from there before he got us. But when I came back, I.... I..." The image of my dead mother on the ground beside me was too much. I began gasping for air, my heart was racing and I shut my eyes but the only thing I could see was her lifeless eyes staring back at me.
"Ash, Ash!" Ben was struggling to keep me still and I began to cry. What had just happened? Ben forcefully pulled me onto his lap and held me down gently, as if restraining me. I couldn't breathe properly, my lungs felt empty and I had to have more air.
He pulled his arms around me and lifted me so we sat on the sofa. Danny followed and sat beside us, his face grim. I met his eyes and he gave me a kind look before I settled down, nestling my head into the crook of Ben's neck.
"You started screaming, what happened? It was almost like you were there but then you were gone." He whispered, obviously confused and worried. "I saw her again." I sobbed quietly, my tears soaking through Ben's Led Zeplin shirt. "Who?" He asked and I wiped at my eyes. "My mum. When I went back for them, I tripped over her and she was dead. The police found me beside her. But I wouldn't let her go. I didn't know how." I whispered, my eyes closed from exhaustion and lack of tears left to cry.
Before I knew it, I had fallen back to sleep on Ben's lap. His warmth radiated off of him and made it easier to rest. It was such a relief that I had told him, despite how hard it was. I felt safer, as if showing him my demons, he had the ability to protect me from them. I knew better, but the thought was comforting.
When I woke up, Ben hadn't moved, but the bus was silent. I moved a little and looked up at him. He gave me the half smile that gave me butterflies and I found myself smiling back. "Feel better?" He asked, moving a strand of hair and tucking it behind my ear.
"A little." I admitted. "I'm going to call Em." Ben chuckled. "She'd be fast asleep, darling. Call her later." He insisted and I nodded. I missed her small smile that always seemed to light up the room.
Ben and I got ready and we walked out of the bus. Where I half expected to see a fast good joint, I saw only a large parking lot filled with other buses. I had forgotten we were at the next venue but didn't play until the tomorrow. A lot of the bands hadn't shown up yet but I spotted Tyler from a mile away with his bright purple hair.
Ben followed as I approached Tyler who's smile seemed to dull a little when he saw the state I was in. He immediately pulled me into him. "Are you okay?" I just nodded, but in reality my head was still throbbing and my throat still burned. My whole body was aching, but I supposed the fresh air would do me some good. Nikki came over with a huge grin on her face.
"Ash, I had the greatest time last night with..." She trailed off and did the same as Tyler. "Another one?" I just nodded. Ben came and placed his hand on the small of my back comfortingly.
