don't leave me alone ;; holtzbert

a ghost from holtz' past

holtzmann wasn't completely wrong when the weird feeling made an appearance in her gut. she didn't dare to follow erin because she looked like she needed some erin time alone but at the same time, holtzmann has never seen her like that.

erin didn't get excited about the basset hound, and erin loves all kind of dogs. well, not all (especially very big ones and those who tend to bite and be angry) but if erin was in her right sense, she would have at least cooed to the dog. but this time erin didn't react. and she seemed so upset when she excused herself. holtzmann has witnessed erin leave due to an anxiety attack but this seemed like... odd. like something's not right.

once the news are over and patty goes back to her desk to fill a report about them getting shamed in public (not that it would matter), holtzmann slides away from behind the booth table and finds abby.

"abs, can i ask you something?" she asks with worry in her voice. it makes abby take another look at holtzmann because usually she's all smiling and not caring about what's going on around her.
"uh, sure," she's taken aback a little. the brunette leans against the counter behind her and listens to holtzmann.
"okay. did you... did you notice something weird about erin?" she asks quietly. as much as she loves patty she doesn't need two ladies to worry about erin now. especially if her bad feelings about her are false.
"no, not really. she always shuts down like that," she explains to holtzmann who nods.
"she... she rushed out pretty quickly but it's nothing that i haven't seen, really."

holtzmann shakes her head. the bad feeling about erin doesn't leave her head.
"no, abby. you don't understand. that wasn't just 'rushing out', she literally ran out. when she left she looked like a completely different person. she—she was pale and her hands were shaking. usually they just twitch and fidget," she points out and abby sighs.
"i know. but really, don't worry about it. she will be right back. she just needs some time to process it all. we other's may have thicker skin what comes to ya getting called all those bad names but erin... she has never really gotten that. and i bet her life after grad school was easier and didn't contain as many bad names as us have gotten in our lives."

wishful thinking. erin's life was nothing but easier and didn't contain less bad and mean names and talks after grad school. to be honest, erin isn't enthusiastic about them ever stopping. not in MIT... not in columbia... not in her life after columbia! weirdo. weird. bitch. odd. freak. ugly. fat. should die like her father. ghost girl.

the names changed over time, yes. well, more like evolved. ghost girl turned into ghostbuster and sad woman. ugly and fat turned into a beautiful woman who doesn't care what other people say about her (she really does, really much so). at least sometimes... she's still getting called out for being weird and different but she thought what she was doing was groundbreaking. that they would create a whole new field to work on. that they would be respected scientists (except patty, not a scientist, at least not yet) and physicists (except patty, the historian). that their work would be praised and people would thank them for saving their lives! families! children!

but no. again, after not too many years, erin was that freaky, weird ghost girl she has always been. into ghosts and harassed by many of those. and it doesn't feel good. she wanted for once to be free from the pain bullying caused her but once again, everything is flooding back in her mind and it hurts. it has never felt like this before. it's like... it's like someone was pushing an icicle through her heart and pouring acid to her stomach. the bad thoughts come back all at once, the thoughts she thought she was over a long time ago.

maybe they never really left.

holtzmann was having troubles with focusing. she tried to fix the proton gun she promised to erin but something was drilling to the back of her head. a bad thought didn't leave her alone. one particular bad thought. why was she even imagining such thing? that would never happen. erin just... left to get some air. yes. she will be back right in time for their friday evening pizza, right? she wouldn't leave like that and not tell them what's up. she knows erin well enough.

but what if...

"no... stop it, holtz," she says out loud to herself. she wouldn't be that stupid and selfish, right? she wouldn't even think about not telling them where she goes and not coming back after leaving? besides, she just needs time to think. she's probably walking around, taking a stroll. or went home to take a quick nap to clear her head. yes. that, exactly...

"god fucking dammit!" holtz hisses in pain when the small knife she was using to scratch off one layer of paint from one small area slips from her shaky hand and cuts her palm. it starts to bleed and holtzmann looks around but doesn't see anything to fix it with.

"patty?!" she yells and the other woman rushes in, taking in the sight of frustrated holtzmann and her bleeding palm. she shakes her head and starts to look for some towel to press on it.
"holtzy, what happened?" she asks and after finding a towel from the shelf she rushes to press it in the wound.
"i don't know. it just slipped. i was scratching paint off one hole i accidentally painted on and i think it's the problem why the gun didn't want to work for more than two seconds at time," she shrugs and lets patty wipe the wound and press a big bandaid on it.

"thanks, pattycakes. i usually don't mind patching these but i need all of my two hands to work perfectly. this gun is very important to make work for erin," she nods and patty shakes her head. she's not that passionate about other weapons. she acknowledges something holtzmann yet doesn't.
"right. so just because erin likes to have that gun? what a gentlewoman you are," she flashes a big grin and holtz gets what she means with that.

"whaaat? i only wanna help a friend out! which reminds me of her. abby said nothing's wrong with her but are you agreeing? she was acting odd before she left," she mumbles and patty takes a moment to find words.
"umm. erin's always a bit weird about ghosts but that girl was actin' super weird. abby didn't see? i mean, that's probably nothin' but the look on her face was scary as—" she starts but holtz stops her with opening her mouth.
"yes, exactly! what do you think, should i go and check on her? i think she headed to her apartment," she says and patty shrugs.
"she wants to be alone. she made it clear. but i can't stop ya if ya go there. call me if ya need a helping hand. abby said it's probably nothin' but if ya feel like checkin' on her ya should do that," patty says and holtzmann thinks for a moment.

"i am sorry but i just have to. i have been in this situation once before and i don't want this to end the way it ended."