Esme's Diary

Chapter 28 - Letting Go

“Thanks for the warning,” I laughed at him, silently thankful that my new enhanced abilities had allowed my mind to work fast enough enabling me to stop a mere foot in front of Carlisle.

“So where are we going?”

“This way.” Carlisle smiled, his eyes dancing with excitement.

Finally, before my eyes, appeared what would have been a large lake, only now it was completely frozen. I looked at Carlisle. I’d heard of skating on ice before, I’d never actually done it though; I’d always been toobusy on the farm with my parents to have time available to do that.

“Have you ever skated before Esme?”

I was nervous about this; did he really want me to skate on that? What if I looked silly?

“Err, No, I haven’t,” I replied nervously.

“I’ll be right back.”

Before I had time to turn and ask where he was going Carlisle was back, holding up a pair of boots with a metal blade along the sole of them.

I stared at Carlisle and then the boots. Surely he wasn’t serious. I choked out a laugh.

With the boots on and Carlisle already on the frozen lake I gingerly made my way towards him. I stood at the edge of the lake, shaking in the boots, trying to keep myself balanced.

“Come on Esme,” Carlisle smiled at me, “I’ll look after you.” Holding his hands out in front of himself. Taking hold of his hands, rather too tightly, I stepped onto the frozen lake. Surprised at the way it felt underneath me. I want to say ‘I glided to where Carlisle stood,’
however it was more like I stumbled, very un-gracefully. I could feel my feet slipping from underneath me, to anyone else watching it must have looked very entertaining. It was as though I was running backwards, that I had gone too fast for my body and over balanced. It all happened so slowly, as I braced myself for the imminent impact of the hard ice on my bottom.

Carlisle’s strong arms released my hands and wrapped themselves around my body; lifting me
effortless into the air and placing me softly back onto my feet. Still holding onto my waist Carlisle looked into my eyes. I tried to move away but he held me firmly in place. My non beating heart would have been doing somersaults now, had I been human. The intensity in his eyes overpowered me. I wanted to look away but there was a force making me hold his gaze. I knew that my feelings for Carlisle were strong; I knew that I felt differently about him
than I did with Edward.

I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had felt this way before; I just couldn’t place my finger on it.

“Shall we continue?” Carlisle murmured softly.

Gulping down the lump that had formed in my throat I merely nodded my response.

Carlisle readjusted himself so that he was stood behind me, still holding onto my waist.

“Okay, Esme, this time we shall move together. I’ll help you. Push off with your right leg and while your gliding push forward with your left leg. Ready?”

Again, I merely nodded, unable to keep my mind away from the fact that Carlisle stood so close to me that his hands were around my stomach. I imagined us laying on a beach somewhere, just us two, watching thestars.

I was snapped out of my day dream by Carlisle pushing off. I tried to copy what he was doing, and gradually, I began to understand the concept of skating on ice.

Carlisle and I continued to skate on the ice until just before sunrise. I’d had such a lovely time with Carlisle that I didn’t want to leave.

“I’m sorry that we have to go. Thank you for bringing me here Carlisle, I had a lovely time.”

“It was my pleasure, Esme.”

Walking home in silence, I remembered the way I had felt with Carlisle earlier, and I knew that there was something I needed to do before anything could ever happen.

“Carlisle?”

“Yes, Esme?”

“There’s something I need to do . . .  would you mind if I met you at the house in a little while?”

Carlisle pondered this for a second and then worry became etched on his face. Before he had the chance to respond I continued.

“Carlisle, I am fine, I just . . .  err . . .  need to say goodbye to someone first.”

An understanding look erupted on his face. “Of course Esme, I’ll see you at home,” Carlisle
said, taking off into the woods towards the house.

I followed slowly into the woods, trying to get as deep in as I could before I found a lone tree in a small clearing. It reminded me of that tree back home. I sat down against the trunk, trying to remember everything from my human life. In my memory everything was so distant, vague
even.

It was only because I had you, diary, that I remembered anything at all. As I read each page every night, I think of how in love with Johnathon I was, how heartbroken I was when Robert died. I know now that I will never join them, and in a way I have accepted that. I don’t think I could have accepted it without Carlisle andEdward. But I do have them, and they are my family now. I have to let go of the past. If I want any kind of a future with Carlisle I have to say goodbye. So, here goes . . .

Dearest Johnathon,

Into my life you came, unexpected

Rescuing me from all the pain,

Saying that I should always be protected,

That no matter what, I was not to blame

Together, we vowed to always stay strong,

Through thick and thin we stood fast,

Until that night when things went wrong,

It broke my heart when they told me you had passed,

Fleeing in the night with our butterfly in my womb,

I prayed to you day and night,

Losing our butterfly, my life filled with gloom,

Hoping to join you, I climbed a great height,

But it was not to be, so with a heavy sigh,

It hurts, but now I must say, ‘Goodbye.’

Standing up I felt a lot better, happy even. As I walked back towards the house, I smiled at the stars. Finally making peace with my past.

“Goodbye my wonderful boys, you will forever have a place in my heart.”

Forever.

Love Esme xx