Venting

It's been a while,

It's been a while since I've cried. I really don't like to express emotions. And when I do it's usually something stupid.

This time it's because I've been losing contact with my elementary school friends.

I have a really hard time making friends and connections. So, when I do make friends, I'm constantly afraid that'll forget or abandon me. And my worst fears are coming true.

My best friend from elementary was my only true female friend, and she stayed with me longer than any other friend I had ( each female friend I had stayed with me for a year before leaving me or completely abandoning me). She made me really happy and made me fell loved and complete . She was there when things were good at bad, at home and at school. She was the only thing tethering me down at the time from committing suicide or self-harm if I'm going to be honest. Now, she barely texts back and usually ignores my texts. And I have friends in middle school but I'm not that confident around them.

And now, I just feel so alone.

I just want to keep in contact with my friends in elementary, they were the most precious thing to me and they me feel wanted and loved and with reason, but now I don't even have that.

And my thoughts of self-harm are back.

I don't know what to do anymore.