into the deep

MY SOUL IS IN ANGUISH

HOW LONG, O LORD, HOW LONG?

TURN, O LORD, AND DELIVER ME

SAVE ME BECAUSE OF YOUR UNFAILING LOVE

Psalm 6:3–4

──

Every rational being, since time immemorial, has gone beyond every borders of the mind trying to search for the very purpose of human existence.

Perhaps, one’s conquest isn’t vast enough yet compare to the other, but that doesn’t stop us from embarking the journey through discovering the majesty behind the seed that sprang a diversity of persons. And I just think that someone should just have this unwavering courage to swim deeper, deeper. . .and deeper, just to have the glimpse of transcendence in actuality.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s the serenity that I think about these things. Or the cool stillness, keeping my chaotic thoughts intact, keeping even an iota from escaping beyond my mind’s boundary. I think this is when you stop worrying and feeling anything. You just live.

Yet, in an instant, I feel the need to open my eyes.

“Jesus Christ. . .” I utter unconsciously, realizing I am in a strange place. But I don’t hear my own voice. Instead, bubbles emerge from my mouth, then on my nostrils.

I roam my eyes, beholding the utter silence and almost complete darkness amid the depths of the sea. I look above, hardly appreciating the beauty of the bursting rays of the sun piercing from the surface to the smallest bubbles.

Still dazed, I stroke my hands against the embrace of the cold water around me so I can reach the surface. Every stroke, I resume thinking how I ended up this deep.

I mean, what had freaking happened?

Stroke.

Again.

And then another.

It’s almost a minute when I am finally able to reach the surface and breathe my lungs out. My every attempt of inhalation and exhalation is so needing like I will be literally dead if I won’t.

“This”—inhale—“is weird.” —and then exhale. I spit out the water inside my mouth. “Shit.” There’s a sharp air draw inside my lungs. I disregard the pain and continue to swim.

“Christian! God, save him!”

I eschew the memory away. I pant while stroking my arms, thrusting my legs underwater, now to reach the shore. Well, I freaking need to get out of this place before a plethora of reminiscence will ruin me again.

This is why I hate seas. Fuck it.

As I approach the shore, that’s when I realize I am alone in this desolate place. I prop my hands to my knees, rubbing my toes against the beach sand, gasping for fresh air. The breeze feels so chilly so I rub my palms against each other.

Then I slump to the rough sand.

“Where is this place?” I whisper to myself. “This is fucking weird.” I scoop handful of sand and then throw it to the subsiding wave, letting the water to disperse every littlest grain and bring it to the abysmal part of the sea.