Dear past Sana,
How have you been? Oh wait don't answer that, I know you've been absolutely miserable. I know how hard its been on you. I understand. Right now you have no friends and you can't bear to tell anyone, especially your parents because you don't want to make them worry, your barely eating because you hate your body and desperately want to become skinny, you always walk around with a heavy heart weighed down by loneliness and rejection, you feel like the dumbest person on the planet, you've lost all sense of pride and any confidence you used to have because of other people and to make matters worse your not even sure what you stand for, what you believe in, who you are who you want to be. I get that. I get that right now all you want to do is escape, to run away from all your problems. You want to run so badly that you've even thought about giving up on life all together but the only thing that keeps you breathing is that beautiful and unrealistic imagination of yours. That fantasy world you built in which everything is perfect. All your insecurities have vanished into thin air. Your tall, have the perfect body, are drop dead gorgeous, are a genius and have a dashing prince as your boyfriend. I understand. I was you, in fact I'm still you, I don't think I've ever stopped being you. Even to this day I'm still holding out hope for that fantasy. I mean what can we do we're idealists. Past Sana, I wish I could tell you that things get better, that eventually you get the perfect body, the perfect mind, the best face, an amazing boyfriend, a ton of money and some real goddamn friends. Well sadly none of that happened. I've spent the last year pining for a boy that doesn't, will probably never want or even deserve me, I still haven't gotten that perfect body, I still look pretty much the same, my junior year was so rough and took a really bad toll on my GPA and I'm "in" a friend group with people that probably won't even remember who I am in a few years. It sounds really shitty I know. Life sucks doesn't it. I remember how scared you were when you didn't get your period for that third month in a row. You weren't even scared because how bad the effects of starvation were on your health you were only scared because mom was going to take you to the doctor who would make you eat more and gain weight. I remember how scared you were when you would hear people talking about you. But while I'm able to put these memories down on paper don't be fooled. These memories are far from vivid because I may have issues similar to yours but I don't handle them in the same way. Instead of starving myself I go on walks and try not to succumb to temptation and eat healthy, even though I still fail at it all the time. While I have pined for a boy for the longest time known to mankind I actually had the guts to tell him how I felt even though I knew I would and did get out right rejected. After he rejected me I didn't go back to sticking to him and distanced myself from him. Even though my parents tried to pressure me into switching schools and saving my GPA I stayed in a place that I loved because it was what I wanted to do. You want fame and glory and so do I but more than that I want to have an impact. I want to die happily knowing that I did my best to help my fellow human beings. Just like you I feel worthless all the time but now I realize that the world isn't all about me and what I feel for a fleeting moment will never define me. I show myself the respect I deserve even when its difficult. I still have fantasies of grandeur but now instead of being the bell of the ball in all of them I have fantasies where the people in them accept me for who I really am, with all my imperfections, mistakes and short comings. I still have the hardest time trusting people or even voicing my opinions but I force myself everyday to do so. I don't know who I am but I don't need to know who am because I am making myself into a person I am proud to be. While you sit there stagnant I'm on this incredible never ending journey on which I've come so far and still have a long and trailing path ahead. While on this journey I've discovered some of passions and now I'm working to give those passions a permanent place in my life. Things haven't gotten significantly better with mom and dad either. While I love them more than words can describe I still know I will end up disappointing them but at least now that I've accepted it, the burden of disappointment rests lighter on my shoulders. I realize I have to put in effort and believe in myself to do what I want to do. Dear past Sana I really do wish I could tell you that things will get better or even that you will grow out of your fantasy but really that wouldn't be honest. You see nothing got better but somewhere along the way you decided that you were tired of being tired and that you were going to do something about it. Past Sana I'm still you but I'm just tired of being tired and thats why I'm full of life. Dear Past Sana I understand your struggle but I really don't know what advice to give you but honestly I don't think you need advice you just need to sleep more.
