Dear Depression

Dear Depression…

When we met I was young, only a child when you forced your way in. As I matured, you grew with me, your strength overpowering and consuming me from the inside out. I became a slave to your every whim. To be controlled by my emotions, like a puppet on a string.

At the start you made me feel as though you were helping cope. Nevertheless, the things you said and the ideas you planted a seed of corruption inside my mind like a forbidden fruit. You maimed me and those I loved.

One of the few things that made me feel safe was when you offered the alternative of the tried and tested suicide.

At the time it seemed like the best option. To be rid of the overwhelming pressure on my mind, heart and soul. A few simple steps as though it was a three-step recipe to success. The feeling of the porcelain bathtub against my back gave me a feeling that you never gave me. ‘Safety’

I have written this to help you understand I do not need you anymore. I am tearing out the strings even if it kills me! What you offered me is not worth the trade-off of the rest of my goddamn life!

The small false hopes of fantasies that pictured me saved from your ever-increasing grip by therapist and friends. Who tried to comfort me and say ‘everything is going to be okay’ I do not have to sabotage my goals only to fall back into your harsh embrace.

The constant self-battery of toxic words like self-hatred and despise. I do not regret to tell you I no longer need suicide. The ‘letting out’ of emotions can be done another way.

The comfort you gave me was a sham! You are the false messiah of our age! You claim to solve all problems but all you do is make everything worse!

I do not need you in my life anymore. This is for the best. You must understand the false words of ‘No one cares’ do not control me anymore. I am not yours.

Falling in love was the catalyst to my feelings towards you now. I know how I want to live my life. It’s opened the doors to the multiple options in my future. Spreading itself out into the distance.  

The trust in myself will always be stronger than the lonely nights we spent together in that bathtub. Even stronger than the metal that binds even the strongest razor together. Therefore, I am better off without you!

The switch of roles has been sudden. I control my own destiny now. It is finally time to push you away.... There's no need for something or someone who wants me to act like a character in a play. Wearing a fake mask to the world. Now that you are kicked out, life has so much to offer me, like freedom, to be courageous and to live life without your cloud of doubt hanging over me.

Where were these choices earlier?!

    All you ever did was assault me with your overpowering toxicity. Leading me to believe the slice of a razor and the warmth you leaving me was the right thing. The only way to stop it all was to drown myself in a pitiful cesspool of emotions. Struggling to breathe but seeing the light of redemption just out of arm's reach. At the time you were offering me false comfort and help to deal with my old bullies; sadness and anxiety. Why must you place the blame on me! It is your fault that you pretended to help me. At the time your ‘help’ was the only thing I had. Though it turned me into some sort of Frankenstein of emotions. One moment sadness consumed me eating me slowly from the inside out like a parasite. Another I would be bouncing around with happiness as if it had all gone away. As if you had finally left me for good.

    I do not care if you worry about me or not. Life is finally showing me the hand I was dealt. This comfort of security in my destiny is slowly warming up my soul. I do not want or need you ever again!

I am choosing freedom! I am choosing to move on from your idiotic means of help to something that will help me build the ladder up from your pit of despair.

The door will be locked if you try to come back...

This is our final goodbye.

Ryan.

Word Count: 775