Dear, You

Dear, You

Hey

It's me
I just couldn't sleep
Thinking about them
About their questions
About my answers

Are you ok they say
How are you feeling they say
Just one more day they say

I can't tell them about it
The words
The hate
Everything

About how I don't eat as much
About how I don't sleep as much
About how I don't breathe as much

You're strong they say
You did good they say
You can talk to me they say
I understand they say

But they DON'T
I want to talk to them
But I'm not strong
And honestly
Neither are they

And I don't want to lie
But I just CAN'T take the pity in their eyes

When they know how bad it became
What I went through day by day
What they actually DON'T understand at all

It's ok they say
Just till tomorrow they say
You can make it in this world today they say

But I feel like I can't
And they won't ever know that because
I can fake a smile, a laugh, a cry
I can pretend to listen
And avoid the questions in my head
Asking why

Why

Why do you lie
Why don't you fly
Why don't you just try

You're ok they say
You are wonderful they say
It's not your fault they say
You are fine they say

But my stomach is in knots
The noise in my head won't stop
My thoughts work faster than a clock

And I feel like I have no one
No one but them
The voices
The pain

But I can't give into the pain
Not when it just paints
Paints a false foreground in my eyes
That says you're fine you have you
and I
Me
It
Pain

You did wonderful they say
You made the right choice they say
I know they say
I get it they say
I'm here for you they say

But I'm tired of the lies
The cries
The why why WHY'S

The I understands
The I'm here for you's
Because they are LIES

No one truly understands
And I'm truly not fine

Not when the anxiety hits
When I can't breathe
When the walls are closing in
And I'm fighting a battle I just cannot win

And when it's done
And I'm sitting on the bathroom floor
Tears streaming down my face
My stomach in knots once more
While someone is pounding away
On the bathroom door

Are you ok they say
Do you need help they say
Let me in they say
I'm here they say
Just breathe they say
Stay calm they say

But I'm not calm
And I'm done lying
And hiding behind a mask

Because I'm not ok.

From,
Me