Lust and Candies

25

"Of what?" I asked confused.

"This," she stated like everything was actually so obvious. "That you're feeling this way about your relationship. That you're slowly losing yourself the more he tries to break through your walls," she stated, an understanding smile showing on her face.

And then it struck me. No matter how Jungkook had seen the incident before his eyes, I haven't fully broken free of my own fears.

All of my insecurities are still caged to the very deep well inside me, inside my heart. And I'm locking it, afraid to look so weak after everyone thought I had gotten better.

I thought I've gotten better.

"No," I whispered as the realization hit me. "I never saw it like this." I shake my head as I felt my body gets frozen still.

Maybe she's right. I'm slowly losing myself. I've enclosed my mind to the belief that I'm better, that I'm okay because that's what they thought.

That's what Jungkook thought because that's what I have been showing him.

And that's what I have been putting in my mind the entire time.

As much as I wanted to pin everything down on Jungkook, I know I can't. He has been nothing but a sweetheart. Every small decision that he makes, he always thinks of me first.

Maybe it's my fault for letting him think that I am okay when I know myself that I am not.

"I think you and Jungkook need to talk," she muttered.

It's not a secret to the staff about what's happening between me and him. I've come to realize that the boys had already established their reputation and dedication to what they are doing that the company is no longer restricting them when it comes to dating. As long as they are careful, it doesn't matter. If not, the company thinks that being in a relationship would make them inspired to write songs, exploring the good and the bad corners of it.

"I haven't fully healed," I mumbled, saying the words for myself and not for her.

Seeing Mark's mom breaking down in front of me and me apologizing had brought an interim peace towards my broken soul. But then again, the scar of his death isn't something I can easily forget.

Before I knew it, images of Mark messing with my hair with a huge smile showing on his face flashes before me.

And I felt my vessels twitch,  like my blood stop circulating on my body.

And just like that, I'm starting to feel like dying the same way I used too even before I hop on this bus.

My fist balled in frustration. I feel like my soul is drifting.

Even when we were younger, Mark had always been there for me. He would always take care of me and would think of my welfare first before his.

Just like what Jungkook is doing now.

I know how much Mark loves me. That's why no matter how suffocated and restricted I started to feel over his love for me, I didn't mind.

Because it's him. Because I thought he will always be there. But he left.

Maybe that's when I got everything all wrong.

And right now, I'm starting to get really scared of what I am feeling.

I know Jungkook and him were different and moreover, I never loved Mark the same way he does with me.

But even though I've only been with Jungkook with a shorter amount of time, I knew he was different.

"I love him." I slowly whispered. I didn't know tears were now streaming down my cheeks and that my body is already shaking.

I feel like my heart is about to burst, not realizing that the toll of keeping everything inside my already deflated heart since Mark's death, will all break loose before me.

"I felt different with Jungkook," I mumbled. "I felt butterflies and rainbows." A weird laugh escaped my mouth.

"The mere sound of his voice would make me go weak. And the way he cares for me, the way he thinks of my well-being first before him, those simple things he does makes my heart flutter."

I don't even understand why I am telling Hyeri unnie these words but I feel like I need to do it.

I slowly wipe the tears from my cheeks.

"I love him so much I'm afraid to tell him how I feel apart from what I feel for him. I'm afraid to tell him that I'm not okay, that I'm still not fine even after all the efforts that he made." I told Hyeri unnie and she listened.

"I cannot tell him straight to his face that no matter how comforting his words are, the guilt I feel inside still lingers like gum stuck in here," I told her while hitting my chest where it's painful.

Fresh tears started streaming down my face once again and my throat started to get hurt.

How did I end like this?

"It's fucking painful that all I do is rely on his touch, rely on his love to me so I can escape the reality I've been trying to hide with even before I hop on this bus."

My eyes focused on Hyeri unnies. "I'm afraid to disappoint him,"

"Chaeyoung-ah," she whispered before pulling me for a hug. Her warm hands enveloped my body. Suddenly, the image of my mom flashes before me.

It's not as comforting as Jungkook or as warm as my mom's but her touch is starting to make me calm down. I have always thought of Hyeri unnie as someone close to me.

"I'm afraid to lose him."

I'm afraid to lose him as I did with Mark. I wanted to add but I stopped myself.

"Who gave you that shitty idea that you're going to lose me? Fuck Chaeyoung, what are you even saying? Did I do something wrong?" I was frozen from my place when I heard Jungkook's stern voice. It was sharp and loud that it boomed within the entire room,  yet I was so sure I felt the hurt clouding in his voice.

"No," I whispered. The last thing I want is for Jungkook to get hurt.

With that thought in mind,  I started to panic. Before I even realized, my body started shaking and Hyeri unnie must have noticed as she immediately rubs my back in attempts to calm me down.

"Jungkook, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here right now. You still have a rehearsal to finish," he mumbled, and even with my unstable state, I can still recognize the authority in her voice.

"But I need to let her know that I'm just here, and I'm not going anywhere," I can hear the desperation in his voice and it hurts.

"Jungkook!" I heard Jin oppa's voice and it broke my heart when I realized that he was being held by Jin oppa by the hand, stopping him from coming near me.

"Listen to Hyeri noona. Give Chaeyoung a space for a moment. I'm sure Hyeri noona will take care of her," he stated and my eyes met Jungkook's.

He seems lost and my heart feels like it's being shred into pieces. The sound of Jungkook being in pain hurts me all the more.

But I feel like I would be hurting him more if I keep on pretending that I'm okay.

And then I watch him as he slowly walks away, still hesitant but he did.

Hyeri pulled me for a hug and I doubt my tears would stop falling down any minute.

"Jungkook... " I called for his name.

I need to figure things out myself. I need to be okay so Jungkook won't be hurting.