Simple Man 'Phantom Past'

In The Beginning

Before Angels, Demons, Monsters, there was a family, a family torn apart and stitched back together again, Our family, the four of us, dad, mom, Sammy.. Me, Dean .. the day we were torn apart is one I'll never forget, the house caught fire and dad gave me Sammy and we ran out. No more mom, no more happy family. Despite what happened the next decade dad did something I'll never forget, he grabbed 2 of moms old plaid shirts before the house went down, mom always loved her plaid, she would swaddle little Sammy in it when she couldn't find a blanket, heh.. Good times.. Anyways what came of those shirts is I did what mom would've, I kept Sammy swaddled in plaid and I wore moms shirt every day.. Mom was gone.. Dad was barely there.. I had to be both parents to Sammy, I'd follow him to hell and back to protect him... If only..

I was 14 and Sam grew older and taller and he always held onto that plaid shirt like a security blanket.. A reminder of a mother he never knew. He never knew this but I'd always try to keep an eye on him even when he didn't know it, every night I'd hold his hand until he slept and I'd know because he held tight with his strong moose hands but they would slack as soon as he fell asleep. I still wouldn't let go I'd continue to hold him until I passed out. Sammy always had this optimist view about there being more to what's around us, how there's more to hunting, I knew that was a dangerous thought, I'd tell him to shut up, dad needed us, he wanted to avenge mom and we need to be there to support him.. Even if he was never there for us. Of course Sammy wasn't always the happy optimistic kid he shows everyone he is, it's more of a mask, a mask I'd become very familiar with, a mask you put on to show everyone that you're ok but in reality all you feel is dread inside, a dread that slowly kills you, like a monster you can't hunt.. and the monster wants you to hunt it because the monster is you. The monster wants to kill you.. It makes you ugly, a scar that drives people away, makes you hate yourself and that's why you need a mask, something to hide the monster, until it goes away or you give into the monster.. And kill it., Sammy had that mask, he didn't just want to survive everyday with every monster we ran into, he wanted to live, but he felt the monster that dad felt but for different reasons, dads monster wouldn't go away until the yellow eyed demon was dead and Sam's wouldn't go away until we had our life again, a life he envied us for knowing. I guess that made Sam more like Dad than I ever was and made me jealous

I love Sam and I mean it when I'd do anything to protect him but it never stopped me from getting mad and being tough on the kid, I'd still out the idea of the perfect family and tell him that this is the way things are and he'll have to live with it. He would sometimes cry, it would destroy me make me think how could I do such a thing? I'd see him go into the motel closet and he'd cry into mom's old plaid shirt like he always did when he was upset, it was his way of coping with not having the emotional support of having a mother to cry on. My shirt of course just now starter to fit me well, I no longer had to tuck it in and roll up the sleeves, it was a good fit, Sam had his red plaid and I had my blue, even after all those years we always held onto the same shirts, we never switched or borrowed it was a unspoken rule, despite our differences me and Sammy had our good times, we were brothers so of course we had our moments, like I said sometimes I'd be a ass but I'd apologize and Sam would perk up, come out of his shell a little, be.. Happy I guess you'd call it, and it's those moments I fell it's about time he came out of his shell, the kid spends so much time inside that head of his, its no wonder he's a genius. We'd have good talks here and there, we'd talk about school *if we went, and do homework together sometimes *if I did it, Sammy was always a hard worker things were tough but me and Sammy have always a happy little family.. That's why it broke my heart when he left