It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Chicago Roberts , woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling abnormally stunned, Chicago Roberts punched a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his parole officer, Leroy Jenkins. Chicago Roberts had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. She was outgoing though sometimes a little... oafish. Chicago Roberts called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very glad Chicago Roberts . Leroy Jenkins calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys sigh before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually indiscriminately yawn *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Chicago Roberts . Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Chicago Roberts ? Because she had snuck out from Chicago Roberts 's with the iPad only two days prior. It was a flamboyant little iPad... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Chicago Roberts got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Leroy Jenkins sneezed. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Chicago Roberts grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Chicago Roberts took the time machine, she had take at least ten minutes before Chicago Roberts would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be barely screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrupted by three abrasive Cat s that were lured by her iPad. Leroy Jenkins panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she deftly reached for her dangerous oil-soaked rag and recklessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Chicago Roberts .
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, Chicago Roberts was out of the Segway and went earnestly jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. Leroy Jenkins was concerned but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins flamboyantly purred. With a careful push, Chicago Roberts opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid rationality-deprived retard in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Chicago Roberts took a seat alarmingly close to where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Chicago Roberts was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, Leroy Jenkins noticed a clueless look on Chicago Roberts 's face. Chicago Roberts slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Chicago Roberts asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Chicago Roberts 's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dull pencils from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Chicago Roberts nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Chicago Roberts aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.
Chicago Roberts stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been nine seconds. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, Leroy Jenkins groped flamboyantly in Chicago Roberts 's direction, clearly desperate. Chicago Roberts grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Chicago Roberts ,' she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little insensitive, so Chicago Roberts knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking ripened avocados at her or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Chicago Roberts . 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Chicago Roberts . 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Chicago Roberts was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Chicago Roberts was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Chicago Roberts had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Cat s suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Chicago Roberts . Already weakened from his injury, Chicago Roberts yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Cat s running off with his iPad.
But then God came down with His plucky smile and restored Chicago Roberts 's iPad. Feeling displeased, God smote the Cat s for their injustice. Then He got in His spaceship and whizzed away with the fortitude of 20 venomous koalas running from a teensy pack of long-haired sea monkeys. Chicago Roberts tripped with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in three minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet malaria'). Chicago Roberts was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few pipe bomb-toting albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.
