She lays there, water running...watching as the tub slowly fills; when it reaches the top of the tub, about to pour out, yet still slightly contained; that is when she turns off the water.
Her mind in a way is like that very tub, stress levels rise, to the top, anxiety and depression almost uncontainable, and that is when she shuts down, turning her mind off completely, allowing herself time to recover from the days stress.
The stress itself it's caused from the normal day, chasing around a child who for all things will NOT sit still, no amount of begging and pleading will help him to understand, mommy just needs 1 minute; cleaning toys up, over and over again, feeling like if you pick up one more toy, you may actually collapse.
Stress is also caused from feeling like no matter what you do, its not enough, wishing you'd have made that 5 star meal instead of a pb&J for the second time today, because your tired, but your child depends on you.
This brings on the anxiety, you feel worthless, like a good for nothing mother, and wife; the toys looks great, and that kitchen is pretty damn good...but the bedroom has been neglected; and any time you go into your room...you cry.
Why is your husband still with you? Why does he love you? Are you even housewife material? Those are the questions you ask yourself DAILY.
Your legs are covered in little hairs, your hair has been in that same "mommy" bun for the past week, and your sex life? HA! What is that?
You feel so depressed, you start thinking...thinking maybe they'd be better off without me, maybe if I would just stop being "lazy" and just clean this room, take that shower, I can make the time!
But you can't, you dont have the energy, your anxiety gets the best of you, you feel useless; you cant explain it, and pretty soon everything you say sounds like an excuse. "Oh, I meant to do that." "I forgot, I'm sorry" "I was going too, but.." "I didn't see that...sorry."
Because rather than just saying "I'm stressed," you say all of these other things, and at the time it may feel true, but its not. Its hiding your anxiety, your depression, and your overflowing stress that you are trying so VERY hard to contain.
And as you sit in that bath, and ponder those thoughts you forgot to turn off the water, and now its spilling all over the floor..and you have no clean towels, and your mop is broken because your toddler through it..
