Hello everyone! A long long time ago, I wondered something, if I'm crazy. This is my story of figuring out that I'm not crazy after all, and hopefully it'll help you figure out that you're sane too, and you just don't know it yet. ^-^ Enjoy reading it.
Sooo... Lets trace this back to middle school, about as good a place to start as any. In middle school, I was a quiet kid, no one ever talked to me except my friends, I'd let them borrow my homework, give them my lunch money when they forgot theirs, (which happened alot now that I think about it) and they'd let me know when there was gum in my hair, or that gullible was written on the ceiling since they know I don't look up too often (since I needed to look at my feet, otherwise I'd always trip over something).
One day, in middle school, I had realized something, I noticed that I didn't have feelings. I could FEEL, like, bumping into someone still felt like bumping into someone, but I couldn't cry, or smile, even on my birthday or even at my grandma's funeral. I started to wonder if I was crazy. Why else wouldn't I be able to put on a genuine smile, or cry more than a silent tear or two? But I WASN'T crazy, I was just incomplete.
By Freshman year of high school, my friends stopped wanting to spend time with me, not that they needed to anymore, I guess people moved on from sticking gum in peoples hair because that hardly ever happened anymore, and my grades got worse so they couldn't trust my homework anymore. At this point I was just about convinced that I'm some crazy emotionless freak, but it gets better soon, I promise.
In fact, soon just happens to be Sophomore year! One day in gym class, we were playing dodge ball, and I got pelted with dodgeballs. Normally I'd be fine, but I had slit my left wrist about 2 days before then and probably haven't fully recovered. But when I got pelted I passed out and could hardly stand, the coach grabbed a kid from the other team and told him to help me to the nurse's office. He apologized and asked me how I was feeling. And, I felt. I didn't have to lie, pretend, I felt something, I told him that I felt a bit better. See? I have emotions, I told you that I wasn't crazy!
Ever since then I've been friends with him, but a different kind of friend, he didn't ask to copy my homework, and he never forgot his lunch money and asked me for mine. He would talk to me about me, and about him, and about everything, instead of just about how gullible is written on the ceiling again or how my clothes look hideous. But when I wasn't around him, I slowly stopped feeling, the joy and light from being with him faded, back to nothing. One day, asked him if he would be my boyfriend, so we could spend more time together, so I could be complete. He said yes.
Now you might be thinking, awww, that's beautiful, you two are so happy aren't you? uwu But how does that help me? What if the person who makes me feel doesn't like me back? Well don't worry, the story isn't over yet, so sit back down please. Because even if they don't accept you, there's still a way to be sane.
In Senior year, something terrible happened, something that I was terrified of, he broke up with me. He said that he had to move on, and that we both knew we wouldn't always be together. I was fading back into being broken, incomplete, crazy. The fading emotion was fear, I loved being able to feel, I was addicted to it, I COULDN'T go back. I talked to him, said I'd do anything, just to be with him, but he said he couldn't be with me, he had feelings for another girl now, and he'd rather pursue her than have me. I grabbed his arm and begged to him, without him I would be incomplete, without him I AM incomplete. He wouldn't take me back he loved her too much, and at that point it was clear, so there was only one thing left for me to do.
I snuck into the cafeteria to find what I'd need, all the lunch ladies were pre-occupied so I was able to find everything I needed easily. Then I headed to the gardening club and dug up a flower bed, since I'd need it emptied later. After that I washed up and prepared some snacks in the home EC room. Then I called the girl he said he liked now, I said I wanted to talk about him, and that we should meet behind the school, just the two of us.
I arrived about 10 minutes early and double checked everything I prepared. I was still wearing an apron from home EC and checked to make sure that the knife wasn't visible. I wanted to steal the biggest knife for her, but I had to grab a regular steak knife so no one would notice it was gone for a while, hell, they might not realize that it's missing until the end of the year, maybe not even then. The snacks I had prepared were just to put her guard down, I had to have SOME excuse for the apron after all.
With everything prepared, I sat on the steps and waited. When she walked out the door I offered her a snack, she accepted and we went for a walk. I talked about how much I liked him and asked her if she liked him too. It was all pointless talk anyways, once we were close to the gardens I turned twords the flower bed I dug up and knew that the time was coming soon. No one was around, perfect. I brought up the dug up flowerbed and asked if she knew why it was dug up, she looked closer and I stepped behind her and thrust the knife into her back as hard as I could. I pulled it out and stabbed her a few more times for good measure. She screamed, but I don't think anyone heard it. I threw the apron and the knife in the flower bed and refilled it with the dirt and re-planted the flowers. She would never EVER have him, and with her gone, I can have him.
Or so I thought. After I cleaned myself up and played innocent until the search moved on, I asked him to be with me again, since she's gone. Missing for now. He said he didn't want to betray her, and that she might be kidnapped or something, and that she could still come back. I was annoyed, but I waited. He came to me now, for me to console him, he was different now, but that didn't matter, with him near I can feel, that's all I wanted, to feel.
He took me back as a friend, it worked, until high school was over. I asked him which school he was applying to and said that I was actually going to apply there too. Just an excuse to be with him longer, but only he got accepted by the college. It was the end, there was nothing that I could have done. No, that's not true, there was something I could do, something I DID do.
I invited him to my house, one last time and drugged his drink. No cleaver way to say it. I tied him up and gagged him. He's not leaving me. He'll never leave me, because he can't leave me. I made sure to hide him in a place no one would ever find him. I'd tell you where, but if you somehow figured out who I am, then I wouldn't be able to let you live could I? But I can be with him every night now, and that makes me sane.
Thanks everyone for reading! I really hope this helps you find out what you can do to make yourself whole like I am. And now that you know my little secret, you know why I kept pesky things like names and dates out of the story don't you? Anyways I'm starting to lose emotions again so I'm going to go see him. I hope you all find your him soon okay? And that you know exactly what to do. Byeeee! ^-^
