You never really know what you have until you lose it. That, I've found, is one of the truest statements in my life. Especially when crying yourself to sleep on a friday night as you think about where you’ve been and how much you screwed up along the way. Recently I've found myself contemplating my situation as I blame myself. Alone in my dark thoughts, forced to reenact all the memories of him through insomnia’s curse.
Sure this sounds like every teenage break up... this was anything but. No, I’m not okay. No, you can’t help me at all in any way unless you have magical powers that can reverse time. Isn’t it funny though, the concept of time, and boy does it fly. It soars through the air. But just as instant, time is cut like a kite string, leaving the flier wondering where their kite went.
One minute, battling the antigods for the sake of the human race and the next, you’re lying awake in the darkness of your now cold bed. As a champion over evil, going back to ‘normal life’ really begins to suck. In a pit of indecision, self hate, boredom and pure longing like young sweet Juliet once had, is it no wonder why I now crave the adventure of the test of mortality?
Piano, it's all I can think about as I lay awake at 2:30 am. Your fingers playing the chords of Your Song by Elton John in your bedroom. This beautiful instrument now tainted with PTSD flashbacks of who we were. The first being your song, followed by every other good 70’s /80’s jam.
Your eyes were gateways into your soul. Oh, how they’d shine when you looked at me. A brilliant shade of green, sometimes grey if you wore that one shirt- like your feelings for me, that’s gone too. I don’t get to see you smile anymore, your face when you teased me, that look when you’d glance up from your homework and I’d catch you staring. The sweet boy who smiled... the beginning.
Do you remember those times I made you laugh so hard you cried. Not to sound bitter but recently I've been the only one crying. Surprisingly I'm quite numb from all of the tears, thinking of you tends to do that since it's all so surreal. My parents told me that they’d always thought we’d be the high school sweethearts who got married... with kids, a dog and a house. The one with the white picket fence; 9-5 jobs, still in love.
I’d say or do anything to have that boy back. My first love. Musically and academically a genius. Of course I fell in love; you have a smile that melts icebergs. You melted my heart every time we spoke and made me feel a safe sense of warmth. I could really do with some right now as I stare into the chilling darkness. Not being with you has to be one of the strongest things I've ever felt... and it really hurts.
It's that kind of hurt that sucks all the air from your lungs, leaving behind the sting of pain behind your left temple. I can’t breathe. That pain that causes nightmares of us being perfect together and waking up sobbing. Wonder why I can’t sleep? I hear your voice as I pass strangers. Remember every moment we shared together? Well- I do. We went camping once... I was the cute, brave girl holding armfulls of bees to impress you.
Maybe, if I had never met you I’d be able to play music and avoid visions of you sneaking innocent smiles to me from behind the piano. Everyday it gets harder to forget because you were the waves crashing onto the beach, eroding your name onto my heart like the pieces of sandstone we brought back.
You were the smoke of the bonfire, your scent clinging to my sweatshirt that August evening. You are ingrained in all of my favorite memories. That’s why it feels like a piece of me is gone now; ripped out of me...
Speaking of things that just tear apart my soul, I just really wanted to tell you how much I miss you. Your nerdy games and beautifully complex mind. You were truly brilliant. I miss you old friend, and there isn’t anything either of us can do because I've been in my own personal hell since you died.
