2 7 1 |Noorhelm|

DAY 90: SEPTEMBER 2nd

The picture of the small, perfect being had hung on their fridge ever since they'd gotten home from the doctor's. During the day, September sunlight from the kitchen window's would strike it perfectly. In the evening, the bright moon would take over, constantly reminding William of the nagging feeling that'd hit him, when he saw it for the first time.

A baby. His baby.

He was currently sitting at the kitchen table, eating some cereal as he stared at the picture on the fridge. If his eyes could burn, they'd burned through the picture a long time ago. Never had he ever stared so hard, and intensely, for so long.

"God morgen. How are you feeling?"

At the sound of his favourite voice, William immediately snapped out of his little, burning bubble, and turned his head to see Noora walk into the room.

An urge to speak. That's what he felt. He wanted to say so many things, but felt trapped by his own emotions. Trapped by his love for her, his fear of failing, his fear of not deserving perfect, his love for the life they had together now. it all came tumbling down, and all he could manage to say was

"Fine."

For a moment, the picture disappeared from his sight, as she opened the fridge and picked out some fruits. Gently and gracefully like always, she turned on the kettle, picked out a mug and started cutting the fruit. Just as soon as the fridge-door was shut, his eyes shot back to his picture. The warm feeling of happiness that had surfaced, when she walked in, was quickly washed away by the guilt and fear he'd felt before.

"Eskild and Linn were over the moon."

His head shot in her direction, as per automatic, as soon as he heard her voice. Not that he wasn't interested in what she said, but it was like his fearful emotions had frozen him to the core, causing him to look at her with what could be described as a deadpan. Not even her excited smile as she talked could budge his lips into a smile.

"I went over there, right? And we were just talking, chilling like we always do, and suddenly Eskild just blurts out 'You're pregnant!'. Like... " She chuckled, "I don't know how he does it, but maybe that guy has some sort of 6th sense. But anyways, they were both very very happy for us. But expect some comments. Eskild is Eskild after all."

William nodded. Still numb.

"So it got me thinking," she chewed on a piece of mango. "I know you've probably considered Chris and stuff, but-"

The kettle rumbled, letting Noora know that the water was ready. Quickly, she put some instant coffee in the mug before pouring water in it.

"I was thinking that we could ask Eskild to be the godfather. I think he'd be so honoured and ecstatic. What do you think?"

In all honestly, what was he supposed to answer? Even if he tried his hardest to come up with a good answer, what would he say?

"I don't know."

"But who have you considered?" she blew on the warm coffee, leaning her hip onto the kitchen counter as her eyes were plastered to his face.

William, starting to feel even more intimidated and now also frustrated, could feel himself getting conflicted. His nature was fighting his will to stay calm. He'd been able to suppress it for so long. Maybe too long. Baby, father, godfather, mother, bassinet, sleepless nights, a lifetime of responsibility. It was all boiling up in his head.

"Stop."

Having noticed his quiet mood, but not thinking too much about it, Noora slowly put down the mug, taken back by his reaction. The 'stop' was very quiet, not aggressive or anything, but she could tell that a lot of feelings hid behind it.

"What?" Frowning, just a bit, her eyebrows and eyes clearly showed the confusion that suddenly hit Noora like a kick to the gut.

"Noora, I don't know who the hell should be the baby's godfather. I haven't even considered it. I've barely gotten used to the thought of a baby."

He looked down, taking another bite of breakfast as Noora could stand by, look at him with hopelessness.

"W-where is all of this coming from?"

He looked up, cold-eyed.

"Coming from? It's always been there, Noora. I'm not meant to be a father. I don't know all these answers to everything."

It'd been there for a while, but the silence only grew louder in the seconds after his cold words.

"You know what, now that I'm thinking about it, you've been acting so weird and silent ever since we went to the doctors. What is wrong, all of the sudden? You were fine just before we went!" She wasn't yelling in any way, but Noora was definitely getting annoyed and hurt by his attitude.

Getting a bit annoyed as well, William raised his voice a bit. He'd never yelled at Noora and god forbid he ever would, but his blood was boiling and the walls seemed to close in on him. "I was fine because it seemed unreal! You told me you were pregnant, yeah, but I couldn't see the damn thing. It was like it wasn't there!"

Just as soon as those words left his mouth, Noora's facial expression immediately turned more hurt than angry.

"But now," he lunged his arm in the direction of the fridge, "I've seen it. It's real and it's constantly there."

"Well what did you expect, when I told you I was pregnant, William? It's a baby. It's going to be there for the rest of our lives! And not just on the fucking fridge!"

Noora rarely talked like this, but her emotions got the best of her and she had to speak up. No way they were going to mess things up now.

"Exactly! And that's why I'm fucking terrified!"

Silence. Almost like the empty and silent air after a thunderstorm. Heavy. Worry rose to her eyes.

"What?"

William calmed down as well, breathing heavily like he'd just ran a marathon.

"I'm terrified, Noora. Fuck, when I saw that picture, all I could think was 'It's so perfect', and then 'I'll probably ruin it'." He took a deep breath. "

"If you hadn't noticed already, I ruin things. Places, people, things. I'm not proud of it, but I can ruin a car, some ass-hat from school or whatever, and move on. But this? Our child? I can't fuck that up."

She finally understood, her eyes immediately softening, as tears rose to his. They never made their way onto his cheeks, but they rested at the edge. It all made sense now.

"You don't want a child with me. I'm not a father. I never will be. I don't know how to be."

She slowly made her way over to him, sitting down in his lap and hugging him tightly. She could feel his heart racing.

"I wouldn't want a child with anyone else," she spoke softly into his ear, before pecking the side of his head as she cupped it in her hands. "You won't fuck up. You know how to love, and that's what matters. I know you can do it..." She sat up straight, looking into his eyes as her hand ran through his hair. "I don't know how to be a mother either. But we'll learn. Together."

Silence.

"Okay?"

They stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours, before William gave into his fears and nodded.

"Okay."