I am who I was made to be

Going to bed every night not wanting to wake up the next morning. Living your life only thinking about what you can do better. Having not being enough as your biggest fear. I know what you're probably thinking, what type of a life is that? Well, my only answer is, not a very good one.

It all started in the fall of 2009. I was thirteen years old. I was just about to start high school. My time in middle and preschool had been just fine, I was focused on my education, was often happy and had a group of friends. But before high school was about to start, my family and I had to move. Both my parents had gotten new jobs in another state. We were moving to Idaho. The move was really hard on me, it meant that I would have to say goodbye to my friends. However I did get through it and we moved.

I was never really an outgoing person, I usually kept to myself. The first year attending this new school was somewhat tricky. Since I was so shy I had a really hard time making new friends. By the end of the second term I had my group of friends, well at least that was what I thought.

As the last year of high school was around the corner, I found myself feeling more and more left out of things. They started making plans without me, ignored me and didn't really keep the contact with me anymore. I didn't really understand why since I had been nothing but nice to them. When school actually started everything went back to the way it was before. We sat with each other in class, at lunch and hung out after school had ended.

Everything was normal for about two weeks until one of my friends told me what was actually going on. For me this came as a shock. I was so caught up in actually trying to be a good friend that I didn't realize what had been going on. I didn't really know what to do, they had been such a big part of my life. When she told me all the horrible things they had said behind my back it all became so clear. That is why they didn't reach out to me or wanted to be with me.

That night I remember getting home just bawling my eyes out until I fell asleep. The weeks went by and they felt like years. Each week somehow seemed to get longer and longer. And I just kept on getting more lonely.

All the things that had been said behind my back started to show for me. Things that I never before had put any attention to had become a big insecurity. The more I started looking down on myself the worse I started feeling. I stood in front of the mirror every night. I weighed myself to see if I finally had dropped a few pounds. Nothing had worked so far, nothing had made me feel any prettier than before. That was when I stopped eating. I told people that I wasn't hungry or that I had already eaten just so that they wouldn't suspect anything.

I woke up, went to school and when it was time for bed I would lay there hoping that I wouldn't have to wake up in the morning.

My education and social life was now nonexistent. I chose to stay at home instead of being with my close and loved ones. I stopped caring about my future, didn't do any of my schoolwork and some days I wouldn't even go to school. I would just stay at home.

One day I was just so tired of it all. I felt as if no one cared about me, and especially that I didn't care about myself. I made the decision to lock myself into the bathroom. I opened the cabinet and there it was. The pills! I took all the ones I could find, I didn't even bother to look at what they were for, I just took them.

The next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed. The first thing I thought was, did I make it?, am I in heaven? That thought was interrupted when my mom gave me a hug and said "Thank god that you made it Nelly, I was so worried.". My head immediately started throbbing in pain because I was so dehydrated. The nurse gave me a bunch of water and kept on telling me to drink up, so I did. I was still a little bit confused from the pills and how drugged out I was. Not gonna lie I don't remember too much of what happened, but I do remember the way my mom looked at me. I had never seen my mom that worried, ever.

This was the turning point for me. Seeing how bad my mom felt hit me hard. I realized that hurting myself wasn't only painful for me but also for my mom.

I had to stay in the hospital bed overnight since when you try to take your life, that usually means that you don't feel so good about yourself. The next morning they were gonna let me go home, but not without any type of help. They put me on a strict diet so that I would start eating normally again. They also gave me a therapist so that I could talk out about my problems and find solutions to them.

The diet got me back on track. I started eating like a normal human being again. The therapist really helped me out. That was my safe place. I could talk to her about anything no matter how big or small. She was the one person who truly made me realize that the biggest problem in my situation was not what the people were saying about me but what I did to please them.

I can now happily say that this has made me a stronger person and that I am very thankful for who I've turned out to be.