An Ocean of Regret

The Only Part Worth While

     It was at that moment, when the colors left his soul and his skin faded to black, that he knew he lost her. Over a year ago, you would've thought they could conquer the world. He looked through all of the old printed photos of them. Holding each one a little more tightly as he approached the bottom of the pile. Each picture held the most perfect smile, or a mid-laugh; the most eloquent face that one could ever see permanently frozen. Over a year ago, he held her under that moon. That moon that brought the cold darkness, forcing her to move closer. He remembered the feeling of letting her in. It was almost an euphoric feeling with a hint of confusion. He asked himself why she was there in the first place. He knew that going out wasn't her thing, and having friends was a struggle for her. Yet, he held her there, next to his heart, brushing the hair away from her eyes just to steal a look. When he returned home he saw that she had left him a text. One that he couldn't forget. The apology and thanks of someone being there. His face cracked a smile that hadn't been seen for months, almost years. It felt exquisitely unnatural, but he let it stay. A week or so later was the movies. He thought it was cheesy to kiss a girl at the movies, but he wanted to feel her lips. He daydreamed of how soft and warm they would feel; how passionate or shy she might be about their lips together. How it would be to hold her in his arms again and for her to know that he loved her. He had to do it, and at the final parts of the movie he did. She didn't text him right away. She was too uneasy and didn't know what to say. Once she finally had the thought and sent the text, all of his guilt washed away. Over a year ago, they played games together and laughed. They ate ice cream on the trampoline of his backyard while shivering and snuggling under blankets. One thing he remembered is that they never fought. It was odd because in the time that they were separate, the fought almost every night. Over a year ago, they went to dances, and made horrible jokes. They did all of the things a stereotypical couple did. Now he stays home sick and she pushes everything away from her. He comforts her as she cries everyday. He knows it's a lie when she says that she's fine, but he knows that his help is useless. He keeps quiet, and she's pissy. He laughs with friends while she laughs with the thoughts in her head. Her head is killing her and making her vicious. It goes unnoticed, but he knows, he just thinks nothing of it. He is lost in his own skin while she doesn't even exist. Over a year ago, they were in love. Even though the love is still there, it hurts to much. Over a year ago, he would make her smile. It was that smile that brightened a room and made people turn their heads. She did the same to him. Now, he's lucky to catch a glimpse of her. She wanders the halls mindlessly. Her head is always down to avoid any contact with his eyes.

     He hadn't lost any feelings for her. All he knew was that his passionate love still filled his veins. All that time ago, when he first saw her, he couldn't help but to stare. Her green eyes were the lightest shade of green that anyone had seen. The light brown hair flowing over her shoulders like a small mountain waterfall. Her face was lightly freckled, as well as her arms and the knees that showed through the hem of her dress. The dress was a deep red, but not in the sense that it was burgundy. It was lighter, yet it was able to bring out her hourglass silhouette. The only thing that he would ever want to change on her was the way she saw herself.

     She dressed just like she did every day. Choosing a red dress that fit loosely over her figure she glared at herself in the mirror. Today would just merge into the rest of the days. Nothing special would happen today or tomorrow, just the knowledge of life and death at one's doorstep. Anger towards herself boiled in her blood as she pushed away the urge to write in something, anything. She had to get those words out somehow, but knowing that if she busied herself long enough, she could surpass the feelings. She wanted to be someone else as she finished dressing. She hated herself for everything when nothing was her fault. She sighed and pulled open the door of the bathroom. She didn't want to, but she had to go out into the world. She had to try to move on from the thoughts of him and better herself for what was to come. She wouldn't know, but she could try at least. Right?

     He knew that over a year ago that he had changed her. That he made her love herself, which was not what she did. She never thought for herself until he came along. He had never seen such a fantastic selfless person before, and was so intrigued. He made her see what she was and how to live happy. All of the memories filled his mind and forced tears to swell. He let them fall as he let out the most hurt sobs anyone had ever heard. He didn't just cry for those memories, he cried for her. Again, it was cheesy, but he could see her rotting away in sadness that wasn't sad enough to be depression; it was a sadder sad than that. She had given up on everything in her life. She stopped trying to see him and to talk to him. He could see the bags under her eyes that indicated she wasn't sleeping well. Maybe she wasn't sleeping at all. She ignored friends and would silently cry. She always told him that she didn't know why she was crying. Which, for the girl, was true. She didn't know why the tears rose into her eyes like god descending from the heavens. She couldn't even think to begin with, so why did it hurt to think of nothing? She clenched her jaw tightly and smiled, wiping tears away as she told him she was fine and left. He noticed that she was getting better and better at slipping away. He wanted to help, but there's some sadness you just can't fix. She was lost in herself, and he didn't know how to be let in again.

     Over a year ago, he would smile. He would love deeper than anything or anyone would ever love. Under those stars he knew that he wouldn't love anyone like this again. He only had a love for her.

     Over a year ago, at the movies, she let him kiss her. The spark of inspiration woke her dying emotions, and she loved him. She would give him anything to make him happy. She would do anything to make him happy. Anything for that smile and laugh.

     Now, people wonder what killed the fire between them. Others are scared to love because they see what hurt feels like. Over a year ago, everyone was clueless; now they are afraid.