thoughts

The first and only chapter

 In the emptiness of a moment we feel trapped. We feel different emotions, wait, can you feel them ? Can you feel your heart beating really fast as if it wanted to get out of your body ? Can you feel the tears coming into your eyes without being able to get out ? Can you hear the voices inside your head bringing you down ?

Stop...

A few seconds of silence...

Everything is silent and quiet. You look up at your ceiling, avoiding to look at your clock. Looking at it would only make you realize that you've been in bed for hours but you couldn't fall asleep. You sigh and held yourself, trying to quiet your thoughts that are making your brain busy. You try to listen to some music to calm you down but it is not working so you decide to grab a notebook and write inside of it. You bit your lips to avoid the tears from falling and every now and then you shake your head as if it will push away the bad thoughts.

You look at the clock, 5am...

You have one hour left before having to get up to get ready to school. You decide to get up and get ready, it doesn't even matter, you couldn't sleep. You apply some makeup on so it could hide your sadness, but if you only knew... You put your favorite shirt on but no one will comment on it because no one cares.

You walk to school slowly, taking deep breaths every steps you take. You close your eyes before reaching to the door. You know that once this door is open, you will be completely alone and no one will be there for you. You finally walk in after a little while and see the faces of all the people you wanted to avoid. You don't want to go but you have no choice so you walk to your first class. You fake a smile once you reach your classmates, saying hi and lying when they ask you how you are doing. You cannot tell them, they don't care anyway...

You attend all your classes and at 6pm you are finally free so you walk out as quickly as you can. Tears are filling your eyes as you shake your eyes to prevent them from falling. You feel your heart tearing up slowly. You grab your headphones and decide to put some calm but sad music on. You get back home and rush to your bedroom so you can sit on your bed. You do so and close your eyes. It is dark, pure darkness but it is comforting. You feel nothing at that moment, everything is on hold. You have no one to worry about, no one to disturb the moment you had been waiting for. A sad smile form on your face, you waited for that moment all day long and it was finally there...

People start to scream in the hallway... You are not alone anymore...

You almost forgot that you are in a boarding school and that your roommate will arrive any time soon. They finally arrive, laughing and smiling widely so obviously you fake a smile and listen to them talking about their day. You feel the tears coming back into your eyes so you decide to take your shower. You take your clothes off slowly, feeling the cold air meeting your naked body and smiling softly as your body shivers. You wrap your arms around your waist and sigh softly.

You take a long shower but the water is not really hot. It is a mix of cold and warm water but it is quite pleasant. You close your eyes as you wash your hair and body. It is a quiet place. A place where you cannot hear anyone. You walk out after a little moment and take another deep breath. Your body feels the cold air but it is not pleasant anymore, you don't like it so you hurry to the bathroom and put your pyjama on. You walk back into your bedroom and can hear your roommates laughing again. You fake a smile and grabbed one of your notebook so you can start revising your test.

One of your roommate has great abilities and can get very good grades without working too much, something you cannot do at all. You listen to her getting 19/20 in maths when your averages is at around 8. She will tell you how she thought that she failed that test and how she is amazed at the grade she got but all of this is now usual. It may be usual but it is still painful. You pretend that you are happy for her and high five her because what else are you supposed to do ? She had always been like this ever since you met her and you know perfectly that it won't stop any time soon...