Brent is out of my life. Honestly I miss him so much. Even though he didn't care about me, he cared enough to listen. He probably cared even a little, but for some reason I love to deny pleasures. Insecurities really take over, anything anyone ever says to me seems like the opposite.
I became close friends with Brandon. conversation was -is- so easy with him, everything is so easy with him.
Well, it was. I thought Brandon was my best friend. Everything is an illusion, I fear oblivion but I don't realize it is happening now. I think we're all in a dream where we think everything is okay and that we're protected. I almost hate myself for believing this.
I know we can all agree that The Fault in our Stars is just about the best thing created. It's almost mandatory to see it a million times. Of course that was my plan. I saw it Thursday night at 9:00 and I planned to see it again, this time with Brandon. He wanted to as well. His phone call was just what I was waiting for.
Me: hello?
Brandon: we have to see The Fault in our Stars.
Me: I know! it's perfect
Brandon: I know you already saw it but you have to see it with me
Me: okay, not tonight though
Brandon: how about tomorrow night?
Me: okay
Brandon: okay
Me: bye
The call ended and I couldn't be more excited.
Brandon is going to high school while I'm stuck in eighth grade. Hanging out with him would mean we'd stay friends
Both of us were invited to a grad party.
Me: so what time are we seeing the movie
Brandon: let's go to the 7:40 show
Me: okay
That was at the beginning of the party. Brandon left early. I texted him around 6:30
Me: are going or not
Brandon one hour later: no maybe next Friday
Me respectable time to not seem thirsty: okay
This wasn't the first time he has done this and I was pissed off. I knew he blew me off for some other girl. I didn't have a crush on him anymore but I wanted him to be my friend. I wanted the popular girls to hate him.
Later...
I opened snapchat mostly to stalk Brandon. He had added something to his story. HE HUNG OUT WITH THE POPULAR GIRLS. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
When will guy pick me over someone popular.
Pretty popular girls have it so easy and I don't really care, but I don't have one close friend that I can talk to whenever and they'll always help me out. The popular girls take that from me.
I know, it sounds selfish, but imagine not having one person you can tell everything to.
It sucks. It fucking sucks!
I know I will never have someone care about me. I know I will never have someone to love and it feels like someone stabbed me in the throat five times.
I want a husband, I want two kids, I want a best friend. I guess Augustus was right. "The world is not a wish-granting factory". Could I just be granted this one, small wish. How hard is it to have a someone care about you? It doesn't seem like it would be hard, but trust me I'm getting no wheee with this and it's been about seven months. Seven months of pure misery. Seven months of life, wasted.
The one friend I can count on is tumblr. It will never judge you and I make it my personal 'diary'. tumblr is where I share stuff that no one else knows. It's my life guard. When I'm on tumblr, or going to church, I realize ending my time on this earth isn't necessary. Tomorrow could be the best day of my life and if I wasn't there, if I ended it all now, I wouldn't know. Is it worth it to know? Can i really last here?
