wondering thoughts

introducing myself

Hi guys
This s new for me but I'll just go for it , I don't think u need to know my name ...it's not an important thing right?
I'm Italian and I currently live in Paris I'm a student here
My problem is that I have a problem expressing myself and my feelings to others
I'm not a writer but lately I figured out that writing helps me cope with my feelings and it helps get over things but I love reading , reading makes me forget about my life even for a few hours , it's amazing , it takes me places where I can find temporary happiness
I hope you guys read this but if you don't want to it's okay of course I mean I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with problems , you guys sure have some prob even worse than mine and I hope your coping well with it ...I really do cause I know what it feels like
So where do I start , from the beginning would be best , I have an abusive mother and thankfully we don't live in the same country anymore , my mother's left scars on me that can not be healed till this day not just physical ones but the emotional ones are even worse because of her I never had a relationship with anyone my entire life , oh and I'm 22 btw  , a grown ass woman who's about to graduate , it pains me to say this but my relationship with her is just unhealthy for me I can't even figure out what are my feelings towards her , or Maybe I do .....but I refuse to say it cause it's not right , she gave birth to me after all right?
She's controlling , she wants everything to be done her way or else she would through a tantrum , yes ...a tantrum cause my mum never actually become an adult she always acts like a freaking teenager or something
With all due respect to teenagers cause I'm sure they are not as bad as her ...I'm not the only one suffering from her though I have 2 sisters and we're triplets
Mom never left any of us alone she always have to mess things up for one of us
As children we used to get hit by her, wether we actually did something wrong or it's just one of her tantrums
I think she didn't leave something one of us didn't get hit with , plats , thick sticks, walls, chairs , mugs , belts , anything ..... litterly anything
This was a major problem to me as a kid cause the next day I had to go to school and I had to come up with an excuse of why I can't lift my hands or why I can't walk properly or why I hiss when someone touches me
I always cover up what my mom did I never had the courage to tell anyone , I used to live on a small town so if I told the wrong person l, it will spread all over the town and I would be dead
I simply didn't trust anyone enough to say anything so I kept it to myself
The emotional abuse is even worse , no matter how much I try to do the best and to be the best she would always bring me down eventually , nothing satisfies her
And no matter what she did me and my sister always try to bring her joy , cause that's what we should do right?
We never forgot her birthdays nor a mother's day , yet she seems to forget ours
She wasn't always that bad she was a good mom before at least before I hit the age of nine