The Fight

     I knew it was her from the moment she entered the room. She wore an over-sized hoodie from a rural community college. Her hair was wild and un-brushed laying on her head and neck in small curls and tangles giving an overall disheveled look. She held her arms crossed tight against her chest like it would explode open if she loosened the slightest bit.

     The woman approached the group of seats and sat down. She twisted and shifted her small figure in the cheap plastic chair borrowed from the church next door. Meetings for us "survivors" were held every other Wednesday night at 7 PM. Survivors United was formed for the victims of intense physical and sexual abuse. We all had our stories; but hers was the most well-known of all. She was the victim of an abuse step-father that regularly and brutally raped and beat her. Later in life he had kidnapped her, locked her in a windowless room and made her a prisoner, a slave to his malicious imagination. The major news stations had all covered the escape on rotation for days. They repeated the discussions and every harrowing detail every hour on the hour.

     After everyone had entered and been seated; the group leader for the night Kelly stood and moved to the podium at the front of the room. She turned and addressed us. "Today we have a very special guest speaker who will be sharing some of her story and views." She motioned toward the woman in the hoodie and waved her up to the front. "Let's give a huge welcome to Donna Redfort."

     Donna rose slowly. She pushed on her knees to stand and moved to the front of the room pausing when she reached the small podium. Her eyes scanned the room quickly and she moved in front of it standing with her hands at her side. Within moments her composition changed drastically from what I had witnessed earlier. No longer did she seem hidden or small, she seemed more confident, assertive and strong. Donna's hands moved from her sides to her hips, making a stance I had only seen superheroes pose.

     "I know many of you expect me to reel off my whole life story. You expect me to tell you the gritty details you are all too familiar with. I'm sure the new stations did a fine job of that. I'm not going to be doing that today. Fuck that. You all know how it goes, you all know the pain, the sorrow, and you all of the helplessness that comes along with this type of thing."

     She straightened more, hips wide and powerful. She took a deep breath and with a side continued, " I was raped. There, I said it. I was fucking raped. Most of us in this room were raped and beat and we are all fucked up and we all know it. There's no use in me sugarcoating it for you."

     Quite a few people shifted in their seats, murmurs moved through the room and I half expected some to leave but none did. When the noise died down, she peered across the room, looking every single person in the eyes. She locked in on you. She dared you to stay without ever saying a single word. A true challenge had been made.

     "It's hard, I know this. Ladies, gentlemen, it's hard to come to terms with what has happened to all of us. I think about it every God damned day. From the time I wake up until the moment my eyes close and my mind shuts down every night. I'm sure many of you thought the same thing as I did. The death would have been better suicide the only option left. That even after it ended you felt like you'd never be whole again, never be able to feel love or intimacy or even a bit of normalcy. You aren't completely wrong. I'll say you were half right. You'll never be the same I sure you that. That doesn't mean you're broken. Changed but unbroken, you stand against a storm many would never be able to face and make it out of. This is not the end of the story."

     No one in the crowd moved this time. All eyes were on our guest. The room was silent breaths held for her next words. I remember the shock in my mind. I remember not knowing how to react to someone being so blunt. For the first time someone just said it how it was. They didn't hold back. I had been so tired of people walking around speaking to me with kid gloves. People acted as if I was frail and broken not able to deal with the harshness reality had given me.

     "The things I'm saying are new. They aren't even special. They do need to be said however. They need to be said with pride and not shame. I learned long ago that I couldn't run from this, I could not run for my fears, my hatred, or my pain. It will always catch up and consume you. All I can do, and all you can do my friends is stand against it. Fight it with all you have. Force it to be your bitch, submit to you. If my words can change one life for the better, or help a single man or woman in the struggle then my suffering was worth it. My suffering lessens with each story I hear of someone I helped. It's alleviated the smallest amount for every person that continues to fight. I know how terrible that weight can be, but believe me whenever I say I will not give up on myself or you."

     "People ask me all the time if I'm okay. They ask if I think they will ever be all right. No, I'm not fucking okay. I'm not ever going to be okay. Like I said, I'll keep going, I'll keep fucking going. When I stabbed that bastard in the eye it wasn't the end of the story. When I felt his heart stop it wasn't the finale. It was a single moment in a story that had been stalled, but not ended. It was the turning of the page in a book that is nowhere close to finished. When they ask me if I'm okay I lied through my teeth. I smile like it is all good inside. It is not good. But I know that I have something they will never understand. I fight and I live not just to survive anymore. I've been there. I've done that. I live for myself. I live for the moments that or to come."

     "No matter what they say, no matter what they ask. Tell them we are fine. Don't let them see the water is been eighth. Don't let them see the surgeon waves. Never again let your power go. Let it build. Let it grow. And let it in power not only yourself but those around you. You survived, you don't need to anymore. Now I only tell you to live, really live."