FAITH
Most of the time, I think mornings are the best part of the day. There is something so genuine with waking up in the morning breeze. And there is something nostalgic with the scent of a steaming cup of coffee.
There is something refreshing with mornings. Like I feel renewed, I feel like it's another chance for me to start again, to forgive people, to change things, to better myself.
However, there are also mornings when I just breath there feeling like there is a void on my chest. I feel so empty that I can't even feel the magnitude of my pain so I just stare at the ceiling thinking about ways to kill myself.
These are the mornings I self-diagnose with depression. I think of suicide but can't actually hurt myself. I think of killing myself but I am actually afraid of doing it.
When I think about suicide, I think that there is bravery in finally ending it all. Not knowing what comes after, or if there is even an after. I think it takes courage to cut yourself with a knife with the full knowledge that it will sting like a bitch. I also wonder how it feels - the euphoria of falling down from the top floor of the highest building, would I even feel the impact before I die?
Or maybe hanging myself? Oh god, I can't imagine the lifetime nightmare of the person who'll find my body hanged. Pills? I've always thought about how they do it in movies. I mean I tried swallowing three pills at the same time and I almost choked myself to death. I had to pound on my chest as if the gesture could somehow rattle the pills. So, it is a mystery to me, how can the people in the movies swallow like twenty pills at the same damn time?
Then, there are the worst kinds of mornings. Mornings like this one. It's when you wake up with a killer hangover and a killer headache. It's when you curse everything: the sun being too freaking bright, the blinds being open, the alcohol, damn the alcohol, friends for making you drunk, yourself for agreeing to your friends to make you drunk.
Why are the blinds open, anyway? I always make sure to close them at night. Maybe I was so drunk that I wasnt able to close it last night.
When I successfully willed my eyes to open, I took in my surroundings. And as soon as I woke up, I immediately noticed how it smelled, like fresh linen and citrus. My room smells like mint. This isnt my apartment, where am I? This can't be like the cliche scene where I mistakenly entered a cassanova's room.
Feeling an incoming panic attack, I immediately pulled myself into sitting position which caused my head like it is being split in half. And then just I was about to go into full-blown panic attack, I recognized the abstract painting on the wall. It's a swirl of different shades of blue accented with bold silver lines. I recognized the books lining up the bookshelves and the warm earthy colors of the room. It's when I realized I am home. After almost a year of not being here, my drunk self unwittingly brought me here last night. Here, of all places.
Through the drilling little shits on my head, I dragged my hangover self to make myself a breakfast. I opened the refrigerator to see what I can make. Apparently, they still stack groceries on this penthouse although I wasnt home for almost a year now.
I grabbed some butter, flour, egg and sugar to make crepe with chocolate and fruits. I also grabbed some bacon to fry. I was frying the bacons when suddenly, the door is hastily thrown open making me jump on my skin.
"Miss Faith?" the person which the door summoned asked breathlessly, although I can't tell whether it was from running or the fact that I am here.
"Leo? Any problem?" I asked the man who is or was my bodyguard.
"I just thought somebody broke in because the window was shattered when I checked the CCTV footage a while ago. And I wasn't expecting you to be here, either, so.." he trailed off. I know what he meant. Who would have thought that I' would be here after almost a year of disappearance, anyway.
"This penthouse is seated at the 20th floor of one of the most secured building you'll ever see in Downtown Seattle. How the hell is someone supposed to break in? Are you telling me that the company building is not as secure as we think it is?"
"No, Miss, but, it is my job to guaranty the security of the place. I just want to make sure that everything is fine." he explained.
I sighed."It's ok, Leo. Thank you for doing your job well." I innocently looked at him, "You know, I might have accidentally broken the window when I threw a very big rock at it which I happen to carry all the way up here because I seemingly forgot the password on my penthouse." I pointed at the big rock near the door explaining why the windows are broken.
He laughs at that, "Oh, the troubles you cause, Miss Faith. You should have asked for the key, instead."
"Where is the fun in that?" I jokingly asked, but maybe I am not really joking at all. Or maybe I was too drunk to even think of that. "By the way, Leo, why are there groceries in the refrigerator?"
He smiled at me sadly, "Well, Miss, your father wants everything prepared just in case you decided to come home."
"Oh, okay." I said, feeling the emotion bulding up. I smiled at my bodyguard. "Have a good day, Leo." I told him which is his cue that he is dismissed.
"Thank you", he said, but before the door closes, he poked his head and said, "And welcome home, Miss Faith."
Home. Well, this is not home. Home is where you live with your family. Home is where you eat dinner together with your mom and dad and brother. Home, is not where you live alone because of a busy father and even a busier mother and a missing brother.
I groaned to myself when I remembered I have to meet a client of Kendra. Kendra Kinski is my partner in Kinski Engineering, and unfortunately, is also my "best-est friend in the whole wide world". She works as a Civil Engineer and I as an Architec. Although, the firm we established may not be as big as my father's company, Kinski is so far gaining more clients than the other small scale firms like ours.
After eating breakfast and taking a shower, fortunately, I feel decent enough to meet the client. We are supposed to meet at Starbucks which is located four blocks away from here.
I decided to walk from my penthouse to Starbukcs to at least burn the calories of last night's party. As I was nearing the coffee shop, I decided to check the profile of the client Kendra had sent me.
I was scrolling through my emails and when finally I located the file, I clicked on it. Unfortunately for my busy-looking-through-emails self, I did not see a hole in the pavement where I was walking on. The heel of my shoes got stuck on the damn hole making me stumble on the ground. Before I hit the ground, I caught a glimpse of a man in front of me. However, this isnt some novels where some prince charming will catch you before you meet the pavement.
Picking up as much pride of a woman in a corporate attire hugging Seattle's road as I can manage, I tried to regain my composure.
"Miss, are you okay?" someone asked. Well, asshole, I was sprawled unattractively two seconds ago, I am damn fine. I am so ready to yell at this guy for not catching me before I fall like they do in movies.
After dusting off my skirt, I looked up and gasped. I am sure I am openly gaping at him when I met his eyes. Teal. The color of his eyes are teal and they are the most beautiful shade of blue I had ever seen.
And boy, this boy is gorgeous. Muscles on the right places, the accent, oh his Bristish accent. Dark brown hair which is sticking in different directions like it was styled purposely to look like it wasnt styled at all. This man is the bad-boy-movie-cliche kind of a guy. Trouble! Trouble! Trouble! I feel like buying the have-sex-with-a-god-looking-morally-incapacitated-jerk ticket again.
He is wearing a white v-neck shirt which is covered by a navy blue jacket which brings out the color of his eyes more. His legs are clad in black jeans. And he is wearing white sneakers. The whole look made him neat.. and edible. How can this boy look better than Adonis in this outfit?
He is looking at me like he is waiting for me to say something. Oh right! I was supposed to answer his question.
"Why did you not catch me?" I heard myself say.
He looked at me amusely and asked, "What?" as if he isnt sure I really said that. Before I can repeat the question for him, I caught him glancing at my cellphone making me remember about the appointment.
"Yes. I am ok. Thank you for at least asking." Putting emphasis on the words at least. I glared at him like it was his fault that my heel shamelessly got itself stuck on a hole. "Anyways, I gotta go, I have a client to meet."
I walked past him but he grabbed me by my elbow.
"Wait," he said, "are you Miss Wells?"
Frowning, I looked at him confusely. "Do I know you?"
"Well", he said while scratching his neck unsurely, "I saw the file you were looking at and I noticed it was my info, also, you said you are going to meet a client so..." he trailed off.
Then it dawned on me, "Mr. Holster?" I almost shouted wide-eyed. I am gonna see him often from now, my slut inner self screamed.
"Yes. Please, call me Ocean." he extended his right hand and he smiled flashing his pearly white teeth. I think I can see my reflection in them. I took it uncertainly, and boy, I almost swooned at the contact.
"Faith. You can call me Faith."
